Karma

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal - HILARIOUS

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions , and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. 

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. 

In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. 

You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). 

Then you have to drink the whole jug. 

This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. 

I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? 

This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. 

There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. 

You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. 

You eliminate everything. 

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.

 I was very nervous. 

Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? 

Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. 

Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. 

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. 

You would have no choice but to burn your house..

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.

 If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like..

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

..

..

This & That....

Hi Guys,

Here are some little "April Updates" for you all.

First, I'd like to thank Harley Davidson for finally sending me that check back that I messed up on and that Wells Fargo did nothing on. Thanks. I am going to now be thrilled to pay Mom and Dad back as well as my cousin Heather & Mike. It makes me nuts to owe money to people I love.

Second, I made my 2nd opinion help me my knee is screwed up appointment. That is for Tuesday March 12th. That is the first available appointment they had, so hopefully my knee and I can reach some sort of understanding. . .

Dear Right Knee, 

I'm sorry. Things haven't worked out quite as I'd hoped these last 10 months or so. I think I can say that its a little of my fault and a little of yours, yes? Sure, I probably should have kept up with the knee exercises that the physical therapist gave me, but in my defense, things have been a little busy. You though, I think we can both agree that you could have tried to hold up your end of the bargain too. Now, little knee, I am sad to say we are going to have to go see another knee cutter opener. Hey, maybe I am wrong here, you know? Maybe some exercises will do it, but....lets not kid ourselves, okay? I am fairly certain there is a problem in there. I am going to try and take it easy on you, and see how nice I am? I got you a nice new brace. Also, your sister Left Knee has been pulling a lot of overtime and extra weight, so lets just give her a quick shout out of thanks too - way to be a team player Left Knee. Good job. 

Thanks Knees - me

I had a Remicade infusion yesterday afternoon. Boring, but uneventful.

Tomorrow (cue violins), I get to have a colonoscopy with chronograph, AND the cherry on top is an endoscope! Yay! So you know what that means right? Yes, as of midnight last night no food, and TONIGHT is PREP night! We all know how FUN that is! I'll post a funny story on prep for your enjoyment later on. So I have the day off tomorrow. After the drugs wear off, and I have something to eat, I have a TON of housework to do. (yes, I promise to be careful with my knee).

Thanks for reading. :)
April

Don't take it personally...

Don’t Take Anything Personally. 

Nothings others do is because of you. 

What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. 

When you are immune to the opinions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. - Don Miguel Ruiz,

If We Never Meet Again

Calla, the little flower

Once upon a time, there was a tiny little flower named Calla. 

That little flower looked over and hey, there is another little flower I can talk to and be friends with. 

As the 2 flowers grew, a lot of weeds and rocks got in the way. The little flowers were patient though, and grew past the obstacles. 

Calla was strong despite life's droughts and floods. Many times, it looked as though Callas stem was going to break, but Calla kept her head high and bloomed anyway.

Sometimes, her little friend was there, cheering her on, but as life moved on, Calla became less important to her old friend. The more droughts, weeds, and lack of fertilizer her friend had, the less important Calla became. 

Calla remained patient for a long time. Eventually Calla lost patience and leaned towards other flowery friends she knew she was important to, in both good times and bad. 

Calla liked having friends who didn't forget her regardless of life's challenges. Weeds, drought, no fertilizer, floods, nothing kept her other flowery friends away.

As Calla leaned towards other friends and experienced life with them, her old friend would notice and try to be the flower it once was. 

But it was too late. Calla learned that this flower couldn't change its nature, that flower was of a totally different species than Calla was. 

It was what it was.

And that is okay. 

Calla mourned the loss of her old flowery friend she'd known for so long, Calla could see that her friend wasn't the flower it use to be, but had turned into a different kind of flower altogether. 

But Calla was a strong flower. She had a very strong stem, and a very strong root system. Calla came from a long line of very strong flowers. She knew what she needed and knew who she was important to. 

Calla would often gaze off into the distance, and see her old friend, whose stem wasn't as strong, whose colors not as bright, whose root system was not as deep, and sometimes even saw a glimmer of that that flower could become or use to be. 

Calla went on, living a long flowery life, being all the flower she could be, and wished only the best for her old flowery friend, even if she couldn't be a part of that flowers world. 

News of the Knee

Hello faithful Land of Osbourne Readers

You may recall, back in May of 2012 I had ACL & Miniscus surgery on my right knee.

I made it successfully through surgery, recovery and later, physical therapy. I have some not so fond memories of the huge cumbersome knee brace I was forced to wear.

After surgery I met with the guy who did the work, to see how my knee felt, bla bla bla.

He shook his head in a sort of resigned way and advised me my knees are very very loose. My flexibility is going to be an ongoing problem. (doesn't that just give you warm fuzzy feelings?)

He also indicated that its very hard for him to test my knees because they're so loose. Even right after the surgery, my right knee was loose.

When I first met the guy, he said that if they do a cadaver ACL replacement, the healing is faster and the pain is significantly less. (Well hell, that sounds good to me!). The only down fall was that the likely hood of having to do all this again is higher. (I must not have been thinking clearly at this point, I was probably still hearing the heal faster, less pain part).

Which brings me to the reason for my "news of the knee".

I am 70% certain there is a problem in there again. On 3 seperate occasions, my right knee has done that same thing that happened before surgery, I can feel my kneecap slide to the left, and then it starts to not want to hold me up anymore. Thankfully, the 3 times it happened, I wasn't doing anything stupid like....jumping jacks. ;)

I am due to go back to the doc who did the surgery to be fitted for a permanent brace (which I haven't done yet for a myriad of reasons). I realize if I go back there now to be fitted for the brace, I am going to have to be honest when he asks me how I am doing. Then we start the whole mess over again. MRI, follow up appointment telling me (pardon the language here): "Yep, you're fucked. When do you want to come back for the next surgery?"

My friend Kim has has 4 ACL surgeries (which makes me feel a bit like a whiner here), and I am impressed with the last doctor she went to. (for reasons I won't outline here, this post is getting long already).  From what Kim has said, this Doc (which is a chick I might add), is sort of the 'end of the line' ACL doc. People go to her when nothing else has worked.

I don't want to get to my 4th ACL surgery before I decide to see her, so I am fairly certain I am going to make an appointment.

I am FURIOUS about this. I haven't even made it a year on this knee. I DO NOT want to go through all this crap again. I do NOT want to blow away another spring, summer and fall screwing around with recuperation, physical therapy bla bla bla.

John and I went out and got another new knee brace to wear. Yippy.

I talked to Mom and Dad about it. Mom said in a very matter of fact tone: "Well, you're just going to have to get it fixed again. You can't be walking around on a bad knee. You could fall down a flight of steps and break your neck".  Wow. Good point Mom.

I told Mom that I don't think I want to go back to the doctor who did it last time, and I told her about Kim's doc. I've begun referring to the 1st doc I went to as Jed Clampett, and Kim's doc as Dr. House.  :)

My eyes are still not making moisture, which feels just great in the dry winter.

Crohn's is still causing problems, (of course!), I have the test on Friday to check those precancerous cells and also the esophagus, stomach, duodenum check also.

At the rate I am going, any other health problems come up, I'll have to be taken out back and shot.

(insert string of obscenities here)

3000 Miles To Graceland - Such A Night (Elvis Presley)

For my sister Rachel

Riviera

Finally!

Greetings & Salutations!

I've got good news! (well, maybe not for YOU, but for me it is and I want to share it with you).

I have been working on refinancing my house since December 2012, and FINALLY it is DONE!

The process probably wouldn't have taken so long but we had to jump through a few hoops to make it happen.

#1, we owe more than our house is worth. (not a unique situation, I know)
#2, we did not have the funds to do an apprasial
#3, we have PMI, which really threw a monkey wrench into things.

Anyway, John got that awesome new job at Aaron Carlson,  and although everything was approved, we had to provide new pay stubs, bla bla bla.

Our previous interest rate with Citi Mortgage was 6.375. Our new improved interest rate is 3.75, we didn't have to start over at 30 years,  and we didn't have to come up with an apprasial. We are going to save a plethora of money and lower our monthly payment.

So, the stress leading up to getting this done has really been wrecking havoc on my Crohn's disease (not that my body needs and excuse to have issues mind you).

Strangely, I no longer am having trouble with insomnia. Not only am I able to fall alseep on my own, I am staying asleep all night. Yay me!

I had to follow up with the Gastroenterologist specialist people last week, as they increased the Remicade (remember? we talked about that a while back). Anyway, NOW they want to check things out again, as the last time they did the testing they found precancerous cells. Okay fine.  I've done this silly test a zillion times, no sweat. HOWEVER, since I've been having more acid reflux, they are concerned and want to check out that end now too. I've never and an endoscope before (they stick a tube down my throat, to my stomach & duodenum) to make sure the Crohn's hasn't decided to move on to new exciting locations. THAT procedure I am nervous about. I can't wrap my mind around the idea of me being awake and having that shoved down my throat without me either A. Barfing everywhere or B. Struggling wildly to get it out.

Yeah I know, I will be lightly sedated. Still.

This adventure takes place Friday March 1st. Yippy.

This whole Crohn's disease thing really pisses me off.

By and By - Elvis Presley

Run On - Elvis Presley

Elvis Presley Gospel

Hi Guys,

So as I am sure you've all surmised by now, I am a Elvis Presley fan. I have been for as long as I can remember. I was brainwashed as a kid. I come from a long line of Elvis Presley fans, so there was really no escaping it.

A day without Elvis Presley is a day without sunshine.

Occasionally, Sirius XM Satellite radio has promotional periods where they allow their station to be accessible to anyone who has the equipment to get it. My Ford Focus has it, so I from time to time hit the button to see if its one of those free times.

I always listen to channel 19, which is Elvis.

I've found that by listening to that station, not only do I get to hear my favorites, I also get to hear forgotten gems, unreleased songs, alternate takes, or songs I've never heard.  I also get to hear little know facts, as well as interviews with Elvis peeps.

One of the many Elvis Presley albums I have is "How Great Thou Art", and I am loving it.

My favorite gospel song is How Great Thou Art. Its a family favorite, it was my maternal Grandma's favorite song, and she specifically requested at her funeral, that this song be sang, and no cheating, all 4 verses. I was 17 when she died, and for every family member who has died since then, this song is a staple. If you die in our family, its a given that this song be played. As a result, while I do adore it, as its my favorite, it also makes me cry. So that one, I am not going to post.

I am going to however post the 2 songs I am really stuck on right now from youtube for your enjoyment.

Take care,
April

for my husband John on Valentines day - I love you

Mousies!

You're going to love this. 

So this morning, we stopped at this coffee shop across the road from Aaron Carlson. John always gets a Mocha, I always get a cup of light roast, extra cream. 

Okay. 

So its really quiet in there, and the coffee guy had run in the other room for a minute to get something. 

As we're standing there waiting, I was sort of just looking around. 

A movement caught my eye near the floor. 

Yep.

A little grey mouse scurried from one side of their kitchen to the other. 

When the guy came back I debated saying something. 

I didn't. 

Good thing I am not squeamish about that sort of thing. 

If it were a huge bug, well...then I would have been all girly girl. (says the gal who has a tarantula and a python....) 

Just Call Me Lonesome

Why must I love a heartless woman
Who never knows the harm she's done
Though love is blind I should have known
Just call me lonesome from now on

I climb the stairs up to my room
But no-one greets me in my gloom
The silence tells me she is gone
Just call me lonesome from now on

These walls will hide me when I cry
I hope that heaven lets me die 
What good is life when hope has gone
Just call me lonesome from now on

Just call me lonesome from now on

Choose your Relationships Wisely

• In life you’ll realize there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you, and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
• Keep people in your life who truly love you, motivate you, encourage you, enhance you, and make you happy.  If you know people who do none of these things, let them go.
• Love is not about sex, going on fancy dates, or showing off.  It’s about being with a person who makes you happy in a way nobody else can.
• Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring – all of which have the potential to turn a life around.  
• The most beautiful thing is to see a person you love smiling.  And even more beautiful is knowing that you are the reason behind it.
• Choose your relationships wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.
• Being alone does not mean you are lonely, and being lonely does not meanyou are alone.
• Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
• Love means giving someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to.
• You know you’ve found true love when you catch yourself falling in love with the same person over and over again.
• Don’t wait for the right person to come into your life.  Rather, be the right person to come to someone’s life.
• The one who is meant for you encourages you to be your best, but still loves and accepts you at your worst.
• Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
• Some relationships are like glass.  It’s better to leave it broken, than to hurt yourself more by trying to put it back together.
• Just because one person doesn’t seem to care for you, doesn’t mean you should forget about everyone else who does.
• Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right.
• It is okay to be angry.  It is never okay to be cruel.
• Never do something permanently foolish just because you are temporarily upset.
• Silence is often the loudest cry.  Pay attention to those you care about.
• We don’t always need advice.  Sometimes all we need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand.

Famous people with Crohns

Crohn's disease is a type of inflammatory bowel disease that can be incredibly challenging. In Crohn's disease, a rogue immune system attacks the digestive tract, causing inflammation and tissue damage.

Crohn's disease symptoms include abdominal cramps, diarrhea, fever, and fatigue. Like many autoimmune diseases, symptoms tend to cycle, getting worse during flare-ups and then subsiding.

Here are 11 people who achieved celebrity for their deeds—not their Crohn's disease diagnosis—and how they dealt with the condition.

Cynthia McFadden
ABC News correspondent McFadden first experienced the excruciating pain of Crohn's disease, which her friends euphemistically dubbed "George," in her sophomore year of college.

"They weren't going to say, 'Did you have 15 diarrhea attacks today?'" the journalist says in a 1994 People magazine interview. "So, instead, they'd ask me, 'How's George?'"

After a bout of internal bleeding in 1979, she had 15 feet of intestine removed. McFadden, who now works to raise awareness about the disease with the Crohn's & Colitis Foundation of America (CCFA), has been mostly in remission ever since.

Frank Fritz
Fritz, one of the stars of the History Channel's reality series American Pickers, is an antiques treasure hunter who has battled Crohn's for more than a quarter century.

"Crohn's is like a duck," he told Crohn's Advocate magazine. "Ducks look calm, floating quietly on the surface of the water, but underneath they are paddling like crazy. It's the same for people with Crohn's—on the outside you can't really tell, but I'm working really hard to stay in control as much as I can."

Mike McCready
Rocker McCready, the lead guitarist for Pearl Jam, considers himself a lucky man, despite having Crohn's disease. In 2007, he told BigButtRadio.com that he is blessed to make a living doing what he truly loves.

"I went public with my condition to show people that despite the disease, you can still have a life and career," he said in a statement.

David Garrard
When Jacksonville Jaguars starting quarterback Garrard began to have severe stomach pains after meals, he knew something was amiss. "I just thought I had a stomach virus," he says in a 2005 New York Times interview. "It was three months before I asked anyone to check me out."

In 2004, doctors removed 12 inches of Garrard's intestine and put him on a treatment plan to help him regain weight and return to the gridiron. Garrard is now the spokesperson for CCFA's campaign, In the Zone for Crohn's, which raises money for research.

Mary Ann Mobley
The Brandon, Miss., beauty was crowned Miss America in 1959. Three years later, as Mobley's acting and singing career began to take off, she developed Crohn's disease.

"It is a dreadful disease for the fact that it affects so many people emotionally," she told the Saturday Evening Post in a 1994 interview. "I remember before I went into remission having a two-year-old daughter and wanting to get up to do things with her and simply not having the energy to get up from the bed and go to the sofa in the den."

Shannen Doherty
Fox's teen drama Beverly Hills, 90210 catapulted this Memphis-born actress to stardom in the early 1990s.

Doherty told Star magazine in 1999 that she had been diagnosed with Crohn's disease. However, she has kept many of the details of her battle under wraps, reportedly claiming it's not sexy for a woman to say, "I've got to go to the bathroom right now."

Dwight D. Eisenhower
The 34th president of the United States was diagnosed with Crohn's disease in 1956 and required surgery for the condition just six months before his reelection bid. "Ike," who served as supreme commander of the Allied forces in Europe during World War II, won a second term despite his public battle with heart and gut problems.

George "The Animal" Steele
His given name is William James (Jim) Myers, but professional wrestling fans know him as George "The Animal" Steele. His career in the ring spanned more than two decades, culminating in his induction into the World Wrestling Entertainment Hall of Fame in 1995.

Steele's fight with Crohn's disease began in 1988. He says he regained his health after a 2002 surgery to remove his colon.

Thomas Menino
In 2004, doctors confirmed that Boston Mayor Menino's recurring intestinal woes were caused by Crohn's disease. The Democrat, the city's longest-serving mayor, fell ill after downing peanuts and Cracker Jack at a Red Sox game in 2004. He was hospitalized for abdominal pain. In 2009, at age 67, he was elected to his fifth four-year term.

Ben Morrison
For stand-up comedian and actor Morrison, wrenching gut pain and profuse diarrhea aren't just symptoms, they're grist for comic genius. His one-man show, Pain in the Butt (also known as Pain in the Ass), explores "the lighter side of Crohn's disease."

Morrison, seen on MTV's Punk'd and NBC's Last Comic Standing, was diagnosed with Crohn's in his senior year of high school.

Kevin Dineen
The Canadian right wing struggled with Crohn's disease throughout his 19-year National Hockey League career, particularly in the early years after his 1987 diagnosis.

Dineen, now coach of the Florida Panthers, tells USA Hockey magazine that the disease was "a real eye-opening experience" because there's no quick fix. "This is a chronic, debilitating disease that's with you for life," he says. "It took me a couple of years to come to grips with that."

Today I know....

Today I know that I cannot control the ocean tides.

I can only go with the flow of life.

Today I know that I cannot control the consequences of the choices I've made in the past. 

Life doesn't happen to me , it happens because of me. Is what I choose to think, do and create in each moment.

Today I know that I cannot control people .

I can only control my attitude towards them and their behavior.

Today I know that I cannot change people , they are on their own path.

I can only act in kind, loving ways toward the people around me.

Today I know that we are our experiences and that love is the only answer I was looking for my whole life and I can only find it within myself.

Land of Osbourne update

Friends, Romans, Countryman.... 

I figure I am due for a "Real Life" update as opposed to the quirky, positive, introspective things I've been posting. 

When we last spoke, I'd updated you guys on my friend Sharon Gammell, who was dying. I am sad to report that she is gone from this world, and is lucky enough to have gotten to go home. I miss her every day. 

John got a great job offer from his previous employer, Aaron Carlson, and jumped at the chance to work for them again. He is the supervisor of the finishing department. We ride share now, which is great. It takes me approximately 7 minutes to get from his work to mine.  Its really nice to have him with me to and from work. The commute isn't so boring when you have someone to talk with whose company you enjoy. 

I am now on the warpath with Wells Fargo. 

I made a mistake while using Wells Fargo Online Billpay on Friday January 18th. Instead of making the $199.36 payment, I inputted $1999.36. YIKES!

I caught the error within 24 hours, yet Wells Fargo was unable to stop or cancel the transaction. (even though Monday January 21st was a bank holiday also I might add) 

Wells Fargo as of today still has not only gotten me my money back, they also have not been able to answer my question as to WHY was that amount taken from my checking account when I didn't have the funds to support it? I've filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau and with the Minnesota Attorney General. Needless to say, upon completion of getting this mess straightened out I will no longer be using Wells Fargo for my banking needs.  

Anyway, that is all that is happening with me. 

Take care! 

Rhymey thought of the day

You have brains in your head. 

You have feet in your shoes. 

You can steer yourself any direction you choose. 

You're on your own. 

And you know what you know. 

And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. 

You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. 

So be sure when you step. 

Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. 

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. 

And never mix up your right foot with your left.