Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Whatever

So, recently I've noticed a few people "un-friended" me on Facebook. 

While at first I was a little surprised, after giving it some thought, I came to the conclusion I don't really care, which is somewhat unlike me. Of course I feel bad that the people no longer wished to communicate with me, but feel no remorse either.

If you think that unfriending me on facebook is going to crush my spirit, or "that'll show her", I'm sorry to tell you your mission wasn't successful. 

Bottom line: If you want to be my friend, and be in my life in some manner, great.  I'm happy you're here.  If you don't like me, then unfriend me. Life is too short to deal with such petty bullshit. 

Thursday, June 8, 2017

If you're reading this, you know who you are.

​There was a time when I would have done anything for you, I loved you so much.
 
I knew you had flaws, I'd seen them transpire first hand, but despite it all, I loved you. Even now as I type that, I wonder why.

I even defended you to others, who saw you for who you were, but love blinded me.

Never in a thousand years did I think you were capable of hurting me in such a selfish, intense manner, although based on what I know of your history,and who you are to your core, I shouldn't have been surprised. ​

I thought that you loved me the same way I loved you. 

I was wrong. 

If you truly love someone, you are nearly incapable of hurting them, for you don't wish to see them in pain, much less be the one who caused it.

Do I still love you? 

No. (and I had to look deep for the answer) 

I'm nearly convinced I never knew who you were at all. Nothing will change my mind on this.

The person that I loved does not exist anymore, if SHE ever existed to begin with, and that I will never know for certain. Not that it matters.

What I do know, is you will never have a place in my life again. 

Even if you repent, and did the right thing, (which you are evidently incapable of doing) I would still not allow you into my life, nor would it begin to rebuild trust or any relationship. 

A long time ago, we talked about Karma, and I know then you believed.  

Karma. 

What goes around comes around. 

Do I wish you pain, the sort of pain I experienced? 

No. I don't. 

Why? Because that would make me no better than you.

What I do wish for you? 

Clarity
Empathy (impossible? I think so)

Someday, you will need something from me, and I will be the ONLY person on the planet who will be able to give it to you. (Of this I am certain. 100%)

Do not make the mistake of asking me for anything.  

Ever.

I will not give it to you. 

Remember that song, with the lyric: 

They have changed your attitude
Made you haughty and so rude
Your new friends can take the blame
Underneath your still the same

When you've learned these things are true
I'll be waiting here for you
As you tumble to the ground
Pick me up on your way down 

I no longer believe that underneath your still the same

And I won't be waiting here for you. 

Monday, June 5, 2017

Living with Crohn's Colitis in 2017


​So, every 6 weeks, I have to have an IV infusion of a type of "Chemo-Therapy" drug called Remicade.

I have been on Remicade since mid 2001. 

Remicade + Immuran is what is keeping me alive, for all intents and purposes. (Immuran is a pill I take)​

This combination of drugs are used to combat Crohns Disease, the type I have, specifically, is: Crohns Colitis. 

Rare
Fewer than 200,000 US cases per year
Treatment can help, but this condition can't be cured
Requires a medical diagnosis
Lab tests or imaging often required
Chronic: can last for years or be lifelong
Crohn's disease can sometimes causes life-threatening complications.
Crohn's disease can cause abdominal pain, diarrhea, weight loss, anemia, and fatigue. Some people may be symptom free most of their lives, while others can have severe chronic symptoms that never go away.
Crohn's disease cannot be cured. Medications such as steroids and immunosuppressants are used to slow the progression of disease. If these aren't effective, a patient may require surgery. Additionally, patients with Crohn's disease may need to receive regular screening for colorectal cancer due to increased risk.

I read something from a Crohn's group I belong to on Facebook, where someone had financial difficulties and/or insurance challenges, and stated that it took about 5 weeks for the Remicade to "wear off", and for said person to begin to get sick again. 

5 weeks. 

At any given time, I am 5 weeks from getting very very sick. 

Its a very sobering thought for me. 

Once the Remicade wears off, it will begin gradually, but quickly morph into full on illness. 

I am so lucky to have the job I have, with the insurance I do. 

Be grateful that your immune system works correctly. 

Be grateful you don't have to give careful consideration to the types of foods you can or can not eat. 

Be grateful you do not have to be careful around inconsiderate people to come to work sick, thus putting your health at risk.  

I've not given up on a cure, but I am beginning to belive that it will not happen in my lifetime. 

H O W E V E R....

I will NEVER give in and submit to large intestinal removal for any reason. 

I will NEVER become a "bag" lady. 

I salute anyone who has the "Guts" (no pun intended there) to do it, the strength to undergo this, but it will never be me. I will never ever do that. 

Would I rather die than be a bag lady?  Many would not understand, but yes. I would rather die than have a "shit bag" attached to the front of my body for the rest of my life. 


That will never be me. 

So, for the time being, I hold on to the belief that if I keep my damaged diseased intestine intact, someday someone will be able to fix it. 

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Today's Truth

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper


TS Elliott

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Osbourne Family Update 5/24/17

Hello Land of Osbourne Readers! 

Hope you've all (all....3 of you? LOL) been well and have been having a great spring and looking forward to a wonderful summer. I am, and I know John and Ozzy are too. 

My sweet Boston Terrier Ozzy had to have 2 little lumps removed from his shoulder on Friday of last week. What a terribly stressful and upsetting experience that was. He has 2 incisions, one is about 3" long, the other is about 2" long, and the fur is shaved around the entire area. Interestingly, the thread stitches are purple. (my favorite color, good choice Doc!).  The first day he was home, he was very very groggy and wobbly on his feet. I had to carry him up and down 2 flights of steps to take him to go potty outside. I might mention he weighs 30 pounds. Heck of a work out for 3 days. He is now back to zooming around the house full of energy (Red Bull Ozzy!). I'm obsessively worried he is going to tear or itch his stitches, but so far he has been a good boy. Wednesday the 31st John is taking him in to have them removed and I can rest easy. 

I am off work Friday - Tuesday, as is John. I think we're going to finish painting the spindles on the deck and do some of that fun home owner stuff everyone loves.  

Shout out to my best friend in the known universe, Kim Johnson, soon to be Kim Roeker. She understands my joy, my sorrow, my anger and the intense pain I've felt since September of 2013. Without her and John by my side, I truthfully don't know how I could have made it as far as I have and not wound up in a rubber room permanently.  

I've made the decision that I'm not going to be anxious anymore about certain situations. Additionally,  I am not going to apologize for doing what I need to do to keep myself sane, happy and anxiety free. I am no longer going to do things that I don't want to do, just to make someone else happy if it means its going to make me uncomfortable. 

Have a wonderful summer, will talk to you all again in the not too distant future.  

 - April Osbourne - 

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Pushing Away

 
Over the last 4 years, I've learned a lot about what it means to be a good person. 

I am slowly crawling out of the protective shell I've been hiding myself under, though comfortable and safe, I realize I can't stay there forever, as much as I want to.

I've also learned that sometimes, even though it sucks, you have to do what you can to protect yourself from any potential for being hurt again.​  You never imagine someone who "loves" you, to inflict intense emotional and mental pain, so when it does happen, it can and will change your outlook on life, yourself, and how you fit into the world around you.
It also shatters any and all trust that has been built up until that point. Trust is earned, you don't automatically have trust just because you're related to them. 

Actions, words and reactions speak volumes. 

Being the kind of person I am, in the past, I've tried  to inflict as little damage to others as possible, to the point in so doing of putting myself out on the line, trusting those around me, who "love" me, not to hurt me. 

Sadly, I've learned that it was a mistake to do that. It was a very difficult lesson for me to learn. 

A friend has been trying to get me to realize I already AM a good person. She is also insisting that its okay to do what I have to do to protect what is left of my shattered heart, even if it means making others unhappy. 

I am going to try to stop apologizing for doing what is right for me and myself. I am not responsible for the feelings of others, I am responsible for my OWN feelings. 

And to those who are guilty, and they know who they are, if it makes you feel better to blame me, because of my reactions, or the reactions of my husbands, then please, continue to tell yourself whatever you need to, to get through the day. In the end, you'll only have yourself to blame for mistakes you refuse to own up to. 

Am I angry about this? Sure, of course I am. I am human. But I am also moving forward. For each day I move forward, the pain receeds, at least for the most part. I am still scarred, still damaged, but I am me. I am a work in progress. I am also going to continue to be selective in who I allow into my life, and my inner circle. The circle is small. 

A final note. 

I do not care what ANYONE thinks of my choices, actions or things I've said. I do not need to explain myself, or apologize for who I am. 

Not anymore. 
 
This is me. 

You can accuse me of pushing people away, but what you're forgetting is I pushed to protect myself. 

The only one with enough information to judge, is God. 

Thursday, May 4, 2017

I will not beg

I will not beg for your time and attention anymore.

The more you ignored me, the more I got use to being ignored. 

You stopped contacting me, I stopped waiting to hear from you.

The more you stayed away from me, the more I adapted to your absence. 

I have learned to live without you. 

I have moved on. 

If you loved me, you never would have done what you've done. 

Thursday, February 16, 2017

In Case You Were Wondering



It is too late. 

At this point, that chapter is finished, that door is closed. (Closed and locked, frankly)

My journey is moving forward. I may glance back from time to time in reflection, and self-examination, but I will not go back down that road again. Ever.

It was your choice not to move forward by my side, and while unfortunate, I will not risk going down that road again. 

You shattered me. 

Shattered me in such a way I wasn't sure I'd be able to recover. 

But I did. I am okay now. 

Additionally, I see what you're doing now. 

Trying to be subtle. 

I noticed, and it makes no difference. 

I am sure at some point I will be forced to be in your presence again, which is fine. Not ideal, but fine. 

Rest assured though, I will not forget how you made me feel.