Thursday, May 11, 2017

Pushing Away

 
Over the last 4 years, I've learned a lot about what it means to be a good person. 

I am slowly crawling out of the protective shell I've been hiding myself under, though comfortable and safe, I realize I can't stay there forever, as much as I want to.

I've also learned that sometimes, even though it sucks, you have to do what you can to protect yourself from any potential for being hurt again.​  You never imagine someone who "loves" you, to inflict intense emotional and mental pain, so when it does happen, it can and will change your outlook on life, yourself, and how you fit into the world around you.
It also shatters any and all trust that has been built up until that point. Trust is earned, you don't automatically have trust just because you're related to them. 

Actions, words and reactions speak volumes. 

Being the kind of person I am, in the past, I've tried  to inflict as little damage to others as possible, to the point in so doing of putting myself out on the line, trusting those around me, who "love" me, not to hurt me. 

Sadly, I've learned that it was a mistake to do that. It was a very difficult lesson for me to learn. 

A friend has been trying to get me to realize I already AM a good person. She is also insisting that its okay to do what I have to do to protect what is left of my shattered heart, even if it means making others unhappy. 

I am going to try to stop apologizing for doing what is right for me and myself. I am not responsible for the feelings of others, I am responsible for my OWN feelings. 

And to those who are guilty, and they know who they are, if it makes you feel better to blame me, because of my reactions, or the reactions of my husbands, then please, continue to tell yourself whatever you need to, to get through the day. In the end, you'll only have yourself to blame for mistakes you refuse to own up to. 

Am I angry about this? Sure, of course I am. I am human. But I am also moving forward. For each day I move forward, the pain receeds, at least for the most part. I am still scarred, still damaged, but I am me. I am a work in progress. I am also going to continue to be selective in who I allow into my life, and my inner circle. The circle is small. 

A final note. 

I do not care what ANYONE thinks of my choices, actions or things I've said. I do not need to explain myself, or apologize for who I am. 

Not anymore. 
 
This is me. 

You can accuse me of pushing people away, but what you're forgetting is I pushed to protect myself. 

The only one with enough information to judge, is God. 
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