If you're reading this, you know who you are.

​There was a time when I would have done anything for you, I loved you so much.

 

I knew you had flaws, I'd seen them transpire first hand, but despite it all, I loved you. Even now as I type that, I wonder why.

I even defended you to others, who saw you for who you were, but love blinded me.

Never in a thousand years did I think you were capable of hurting me in such a selfish, intense manner, although based on what I know of your history,and who you are to your core, I shouldn't have been surprised. ​

I thought that you loved me the same way I loved you. 

I was wrong. 

If you truly love someone, you are nearly incapable of hurting them, for you don't wish to see them in pain, much less be the one who caused it.

Do I still love you? 

No. (and I had to look deep for the answer) 

I'm nearly convinced I never knew who you were at all. Nothing will change my mind on this.

The person that I loved does not exist anymore, if SHE ever existed to begin with, and that I will never know for certain. Not that it matters.

What I do know, is you will never have a place in my life again. 

Even if you repent, and did the right thing, (which you are evidently incapable of doing) I would still not allow you into my life, nor would it begin to rebuild trust or any relationship. 

A long time ago, we talked about Karma, and I know then you believed.  

Karma. 

What goes around comes around. 

Do I wish you pain, the sort of pain I experienced? 

No. I don't. 

Why? Because that would make me no better than you.

What I do wish for you? 

Clarity

Empathy (impossible? I think so)

Someday, you will need something from me, and I will be the ONLY person on the planet who will be able to give it to you. (Of this I am certain. 100%)

Do not make the mistake of asking me for anything.  

Ever.

I will not give it to you. 

Remember that song, with the lyric: 

They have changed your attitude

Made you haughty and so rude

Your new friends can take the blame

Underneath your still the same

When you've learned these things are true

I'll be waiting here for you

As you tumble to the ground

Pick me up on your way down 

I no longer believe that underneath your still the same

And I won't be waiting here for you. 

Too Much

Living with Crohn's Colitis in 2017

​So, every 6 weeks, I have to have an IV infusion of a type of "Chemo-Therapy" drug called Remicade.

I have been on Remicade since mid 2001. 

Remicade + Immuran is what is keeping me alive, for all intents and purposes. (Immuran is a pill I take)​

This combination of drugs are used to combat Crohns Disease, the type I have, specifically, is: Crohns Colitis. 

Rare

Fewer than 200,000 US cases per year

Treatment can help, but this condition can't be cured

Requires a medical diagnosis

Lab tests or imaging often required

Chronic: can last for years or be lifelong

Crohn's disease can sometimes causes life-threatening complications.

Crohn's disease can cause abdominal pain, diarrhea, weight loss, anemia, and fatigue. Some people may be symptom free most of their lives, while others can have severe chronic symptoms that never go away.

Crohn's disease cannot be cured. Medications such as steroids and immunosuppressants are used to slow the progression of disease. If these aren't effective, a patient may require surgery. Additionally, patients with Crohn's disease may need to receive regular screening for colorectal cancer due to increased risk.

I read something from a Crohn's group I belong to on Facebook, where someone had financial difficulties and/or insurance challenges, and stated that it took about 5 weeks for the Remicade to "wear off", and for said person to begin to get sick again. 

5 weeks. 

At any given time, I am 5 weeks from getting very very sick. 

Its a very sobering thought for me. 

Once the Remicade wears off, it will begin gradually, but quickly morph into full on illness. 

I am so lucky to have the job I have, with the insurance I do. 

Be grateful that your immune system works correctly. 

Be grateful you don't have to give careful consideration to the types of foods you can or can not eat. 

Be grateful you do not have to be careful around inconsiderate people to come to work sick, thus putting your health at risk.  

I've not given up on a cure, but I am beginning to belive that it will not happen in my lifetime. 

H O W E V E R....

I will NEVER give in and submit to large intestinal removal for any reason. 

I will NEVER become a "bag" lady. 

I salute anyone who has the "Guts" (no pun intended there) to do it, the strength to undergo this, but it will never be me. I will never ever do that. 

Would I rather die than be a bag lady?  Many would not understand, but yes. I would rather die than have a "shit bag" attached to the front of my body for the rest of my life. 

That will never be me. 

So, for the time being, I hold on to the belief that if I keep my damaged diseased intestine intact, someday someone will be able to fix it. 

Today's Truth

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper

TS Elliott