Crohn's Disease details you never thought of

Why are Chronic Diseases like Crohn’s Disease, Colitis and Inflammatory Bowel Disease (“IBD”) such expensive medical conditions for Patients who even have Health Insurance? 

I get asked this question many times by friends and acquaintances who care a great deal about me and can’t understand how my Crohn’s Disease has so badly damaged my financial “health” when all along the way I have maintained my Health Insurance. This is what I tell them when I try to explain.

Any Chronic Disease such as these, which is also incurable with autoimmune components, can create ongoing needs for medical care, expensive drug treatments, unpredictable or emergent hospitalizations and possibly several surgeries. While having Health Insurance is BEST, people don’t typically understand that in an ideal setting the Health Insurance Company may pay 70% of the cost of what they deem to be “reasonable and customary” for any of the aforementioned medical costs but there may be also be a significant “Deductible” which has to be met before that 30 percent of Reimbursement kicks-in. 

Moreover, what Health Insurers deem “reasonable and customary” in the Twin Cities, Minnesota for example, may be vastly different from the actual charges in New York City, for example, but location adjustments are typically not made by Health Insurers and that could leave a rather large GAP in the Charged Amount which the Patient will have to pay, in addition to the 30% balance. This is different when the Patient sees an “In-Network” physician but these days there are usually “variables” attached to that AND, more importantly, the more complicated your case of Crohn’s, Colitis or IBD, the more reason you need to see a well-renowned Specialist (as they see more of such cases and thus are prepared best to help you) and these doctors increasingly do not accept ANY Health INSURANCE. It is in the Patient’s best financial interests to ALWAYS see an “In-Network” medical professional but those interests may not align with the Patient’s medical interests in complicated cases or even in diagnosing cases of Crohn’s, Colitis or IBD due to their almost individualized symptoms and often difficult to recognize initial manifestations.

Many Patients with Crohn’s, Colitis and IBD are also increasingly turning to “Alternative” treatments or organic foods to combat the disease and any medication side effects and/or the stress which accompanies the entire IBD journey. Short of minor acupuncture benefits, Health Insurers understandably are reluctant to get fully behind these “holistic” approaches because in many instances what works for one Patient does not work for another. Or, the providers of these alternative treatments are not properly or traditionally “credentialed” such that the Health Insurers can readily trust their medical expertise. Yet, many IBD Patients swear by these treatments and thus they must pay for them out of their own pockets.

In my case of having Crohn’s Disease for almost 20 years, the accumulation of these aforementioned 30% fees, Balance Bills, Specialty Physicians and Alternative Treatments has created medical Credit Card debt that is stifling. In addition to the above VERY BASIC breakdown, the cost of NEW and more promising Crohn’s/IBD medications is usually extremely high and Health Insurers typically don’t cover a significant portion of their costs until said medication becomes more widely accepted. These newer medications might also come with side effects which in some instances could turn out to be as painful, disabling and expensive as IBD itself.   It seems there’s no way to tell who these new drugs will help and who they will harm but it is a chance many IBD Patients are all too willing to take due to the lack of effective Treatment options and the "incurability" of Crohn’s Disease. 

“Finally,” and please understand that this is a complex and individualized situation which I am trying to simplify for the purposes of communicating a basic explanation, many IBD Patients on the more severe “spectrum” of the disease often develop secondary autoimmune diseases such as Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Fibromyalgia, etc. and that begins an almost duplicate “journey” through the Healthcare system causing the Patient to incur all of the aforementioned expenses albeit for a different disease. Additionally, years (or in some cases just months) of taking certain effective IBD drugs can also create serious (and expensive) medical problems which must also be addressed such as Hip Replacements (from taking the drug Prednisone) or, for example, repeated hospitalized bouts with Pancreatitis from taking immuno-suppressive drugs to treat Crohn’s Disease. 

Please feel free to share any Comments and/or to pose a Questions

a message from your dog

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be painful: remember that before you get me. 

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me. 

3. Place your trust in me- it is crucial to my well-being.

4. Do not be angry at me for long, and do not lock me up as punishment.

5. You have your work, your entertainment, and your friends. I only have you.

6. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understands your words, I understand your voice when it is speaking to me. 

7. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget. 

8. Remember before you hit me that I have teeth that could easily hurt you, but I choose not to bite you because I love you. 

9. Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate or lazy, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I might not be getting the right food, or I have been out too long, or my heart is getting too old and weak.

10. Take care of me when I get old; you too will grow old. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say: "I cannot bear to watch" or "Let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier for me if you are there, even my death.
Remember that I love you

Depression

I am struggling with major depression. I have had it pretty much since I was around 18, off and on.

I've been on every antidepressant out there:

Prozac
Paxil
Effexor
Zoloft
Luvox
Xanax


I am currently on Wellbutrin XL and Buspar. With Xanax on the side too. Also broke down and found a Psychologist.

One thing about depression, while your in the middle of it, its hard to remember what it was like to be happy.

I'm embarassed and ashamed. I don't feel I have any right to be depressed.

Saw this picture today. This sums up exactly how I've been feeling.

Its so hard to pretend all day long that I am happy. It is so hard to force myself out in the world and be social, when all I want to do is curl up in bed and hide there.

Seeing things from both sides

Recently, I was asked an innocent enough question  - I've probably been asked it before and I know what my answer was previously, but now my answer was different and it has really made me think a lot the last few days.

I use to work in a customer service type atmosphere, where I was a part of a group of people, all working towards a common purpose, led by a supervisor or two.  Some people in that group excelling more than others, but each contributing.  Looking back, this type of setting definitely has it benefits.   A smaller privately owned company, maybe not as good pay or benefits.

I now work as an office administrator, where the dynamic is a lot different. While the company I work for now is very very large, with smaller offices throughout the United States (and world, for that matter); So I have the benefit of a large company, thus meaning good pay and benefits.

I am very thankful for my job. I know that I am good at what I do. (not perfect, I am human, I am gonna screw stuff up from time to time). I know that I am appreciated.

I was asked by my new Psychologist if I like my job. I don't know why it took me by surprise the way it did, because as I said, I've been asked it before, and I know the answer I gave, and nothing really has changed, at least I don't think it has. But you know what? I don't particularly like it. I don't hate it, just to clarify.

Like I said, I've really been thinking a lot about this statement.  Why I answered and feel as I do. I think its because there is so much more pressure to be the "administrator" who is in charge of running an office, versus being one of a group of people, thus less pressure.

I am a loner by nature. Sometimes its really hard to force myself to be social and do all the things that social people do.  Sometimes its hard to pretend to be someone I am not.

Ideally, I think my dream job would be to do something involving computers with not a lot of human interaction. However since I did not go to college and probably won't have that opportunity to do so in the forseeable future, I am going to stick with what I am good at, and be grateful for what I have.

Knee Update

 Good news (sort of), 

No surgery for now.  

The ACL that was replaced last May is frayed, not totally torn. But it IS stretched out.  

Miniscus that was repaired last May is also torn again. 

Doc fitted me with a custom permanent brace so I shouldn't have to worry about it going out on me, and is sending me to physical therapy.  

I check back with her in 6 weeks via phone, then in 3 months to see if I am happy or not. 

If not, then I have to have a whole new ACL put in.  

Goose Update

Katie is now back to her old self again.  Wanting to play 100% of the time. Very unhappy with her diet, as she use to be able to eat whenever she wanted.

She isn't quite as spry as she use to be, she can't hop up on the bed anymore, so she'll whine when she wants up, and John or I will pick her up.

Greg Brady

So due to ongoing depression, anxiety, panic and all that other crazy stuff I'm lucky enough to have inherited, and since not only my doctor and family have urged me to do so, I've sought out a counselor.

Finding a Psychologist that does evening hours is hard. When you DO find one, you'll be lucky if they have any openings before the end of the year.

The stars must have all been in just the right places, because I found one in Cambridge. 3 miles from home. Evening hours. Thank God!

I met with him last night, very compassionate guy, warm, inviting, small quiet office.

He looks exactly - EXACTLY like Barry Williams aka Greg Brady.

Made me smile.

The Carpenter

The Carpenter     Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side-by-side, sharing machinery and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch. Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference and finally, it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence. One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I 'm looking for a few days' work," he said. "Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?" "Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor. In fact, it's my younger brother! Last week there was a meadow between us. He recently took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.  Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll do him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn? I want you to build me a fence an 8-foot fence -- so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore." The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you." The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day -- measuring, sawing and nailing. About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.  The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge .. A bridge that stretched from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work, handrails and all! And the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming toward them, his hand outstretched.. "You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done." The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox onto his shoulder. "No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother. "I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but I have many more bridges to build."     Remember This...   God won't ask what kind of car you drove, but He'll ask how many people you helped get where they needed to go.   God won't ask the square footage of your house, but He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.   God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, but He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.    God won't ask how many friends you had, but He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.   God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, but He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.   God won't ask about the color of your skin, but He'll ask about the content of your character.  God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation, but He'll  lovingly take you to your mansion in Heaven, and not to the gates of hell.  God won't ask how many people you forwarded this to, but He'll ask why you were ashamed to pass it on to your friends...

Cautiously Optimistic?

Katie seems to be doing better.

She isn't quite as clumsy, she is no longer groggy, and lethargic, and was reported to RUN up and down the back yard steps.

She isn't thrilled at the whole idea of being on a diet however. She has lost 4 pounds. Yay for the Goose!

I took her for a walk yesterday, just a short one, to see how it goes. She wasn't real excited at first, but as we got going she seemed okay.

I took Ozzy on a walk too - total different experience. He wanted to GO GO GO GO GO 100 miles per hour.

Both are doing the go for a walk thing tonight after work again.

thanks for the positive thoughts, prayers and love.

April

Favorite Quotations

Favorite Quotations

I don't know what that means....Temperance Brennan

Now you know what I do for an encore....Elvis Presley in King Creole

It doesn't matter where you work, or what you're doing, there will always be someone or something there you don't like. - Dad -

If you want something badly enough, if you work hard, you can make it happen - Dad -

Its important to remember when praying to God, sometimes God says no. - Mom -

What is in my mind today

Rommy Bear and Katie Goose

2 years ago today, this morning, my Rommy Bear crossed the rainbow bridge.

Last week, my sweet Katie Goose began to have seizures in her sleep. John and I took her to the vet, they have her on phenabarbital. Since being put on this she has not had any other seizures. They did a complete blood work up, and her liver, kidneys and everything else are normal. Good news for a 12 year old sweetheart. She HAS however gained 6 pounds in 2 months - which is a LOT for a little dog like her. She is up to 25 pounds, and should be 16-19. On a diet now.

The drug that Katie is on makes her very sleepy, groggy, and clumsy. The vet assured us that those symptoms should fade in 2 weeks.

I have to carry her when she is really bad outside to potty.

I am struggling with this.

Am I being selfish? I don't want to keep Katie alive if her quality of life is going to be like this, but how long do I wait until facing that decision? More importantly, will my sanity make it that long?

I can't stop crying. I'm not eating. Not drinking. Barely sleeping. Anxiety and panic along with OCD is constant.

If this is how I feel now, how I am going to feel when she does go to be with Rommy?

What happens if she dies on a weekend and the Vet isn't open? Where to I take her little body for creamation? I can't put my baby in a garbage bag...and wait until they open.

I know that she can't stay and I know I can't go with her.

My heart is breaking.

Lesson from Sharon Gammell

Here is a lesson that Sharon Gammell taught me not long ago. Wise words Sharon.

You can do anything that you set your mind to.

You are the author of your own life .

You have the ability to change your life.

You have unlimited potential !

You are a living magnet.

You literally attract the things , people , ideas , and circumstances to you that vibrate and resonate at the same energy frequency as yours.Your energy field changes constantly , based on your thoughts and feelings , and the universe acts like a mirror , sending back a reflection of the energy that you are projecting.The stronger and more intense your thoughts and emotions are , the greater the magnetic pull becomes.Now , this is not a process that requires any real effort ; a magnet doesn't ''try'' to attract anything-it simple does , and so do you !You are always in the process of attracting something into your life.

Do you realize that your life at this very moment is the result  of everything that you have ever thought , done , believed , or felt up until now ?You can start right now to consciously and deliberately attract whatever you desire in this lifetime.

Katie Goose

This morning at 3am Katie was laying next to me, and woke me when she had a seizure.  

It lasted a few minutes, her little tongue was sticking out a little, and she was drooling.

 She was a little tired for a bit after, then she got up, got a drink of water, wanted to go potty outside, wanted a cookie, then hopped back up on the bed to lick. (she licks everything). 

I called the Vet, they said that sometimes in older dogs, they can develop epilepsy. 

Its nothing I did wrong, and it doesn't mean she is going to die tomorrow.  

If she has another one this week, I should bring her in for blood work, but she probably (hopefully), won't have one for a few months, but to just watch her. 

I've been crying all morning.

To those heartless souls who "get rid of" their pets:

Kneeful update

Hi Guys,

Well, I have kneeful news.

I met with this super awesome specialist, one of the top knee surgeons in the State of Minnesota on Tuesday, where she and another collegue surgeon as well as a nurse did a battery of tests on my knee.

Good News: I have not lost any strength at all in my knee, leg, or butt. YAY me.

That's about as far as the good news goes.

If I am really lucky, I tore my ACL again. (uplifting thought huh?)

If I am not so lucky, I stretched the replacement ACL out.

Not so lucky, you wonder? Why not so lucky?

SIGH.

Well, because one of the treatment options for that would be to cut a chunk of my tibia off, and put the whole mess back together again, thus preventing my knee from hyperextending, and causing further problems.

Doesn't that sound just horrible? I can't imagine not only the pain levels but the rehab for that. Yikes!

Hence my statement of if I am LUCKY, all I did was tear my ACL. Then I'll have another round of ACL surgery.

Who wants to get the gun to take me out back?

Anyway, I have to schedule a MRI so they can see what's what.

.....hey....maybe I'll get upgraded parking?

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is letting go of the pain and accepting what has happened because it will not change. 

Forgiveness is dismissing the blame. 

Choices were made that caused the hurt; 

We each could have chosen differently, but we didn't.

Forgiveness is looking at the pain, learning the lessons it has produced, and understanding what we have learned. 

Forgiveness is starting over with the knowledge that I have gained.

I Wanna Be Johnny's Girl

A song just played on my iphone and it made me recall this.

There is this one hit wonder called: "Bobby's Girl" by Marcie Blane from the 60's.

When I FIRST met John, I was 18, going on 19, and I'd walk around the house (I lived at home), and I'd sing the lyrics, except I'd change it from "Bobby's Girl" to "Johnny's girl"

there is this one part of the song where the back ground singers are singing:

"Your not a kid anymore...."

On the icing on my birthday cake when I turned 19, Mom had the bakers write:

"Your not a kid anymore"....

Here are the lyrics to that song:

(You're not a kid anymore)
(You're not a kid anymore)

When people ask of me
What would you like to be
Now that your not a kid anymore
(You're not a kid anymore)

I know just what to say
I answer right away
There's just one thing
I've been wishing for...

I want to be Bobby's girl
I want to be Bobby's girl
That's the most important thing to me...

And if I was Bobby's girl
If I was Bobby's girl
What a faithful, thankful girl I'd be

Each night I sit at home
Hoping that he will phone
But I know Bobby has someone else
(You're not a kid anymore)

Still in my heart I pray
There soon will come the day
When I will have him all to myself...

I want to be Bobby's girl
I want to be Bobby's girl
That's the most important thing to me...

And if I was Bobby's girl
If I was Bobby's girl
What a faithful, thankful girl I'd be
What a faithful, thankful girl I'd be

I want to be Bobby's girl
I want to be Bobby's girl
I want to be Bobby's girl

Well....

Doctor called back with the CT scan results, as well as with the pathology report from the colonoscopy.

Good news, no problem they can detect with the esophagus / stomach. Why the narrowing then? Its an allergic reaction to a food that I've developed an allergy to. I've narrowed it down to dairy.

Bad news...

Well..

Bad news is my liver has fat deposits on it - so that means I have to get off my ass and get more exercise and eat better.  I would like to bitch for a second on this issue though - how exactly am I suppose to successfully loose weight if I can't eat fruits and vegetables? Whatever. I'll find a way. I'll just hang out with my pal Elliptical more.

Other bad news...

The biopsies they took are still precancerous. These cells turn into cancer.

I asked the doctor how they deal with that, if it turns into cancer? His response? Colon removal.

Okay.

We all know how I feel about that.

I told the doctor that surgery is not an option.

He said he knows that is how I feel, so their new plan is to do a colonoscopy every 6 months instead of every year.

Doesn't that sound fun?

He also said he wants to discuss the pathology report with a few other colleagues further and he'll call me back in 7-10 days. (to tell me what? I didn't ask).

I'm sort of crabby about all this. Not sad, not upset. Just....crabby.

Not going to be a bag lady. Nope.

Not sorry either.

Hot Blooded (Acoustic)

htt

Solid Food!

Great news!

I've been cleared to eat SOLID FOOD.

I only have a 30 minute lunch, so my options are limited - since there are mostly only fast food places around here.

Burger King
McDonalds
Perkins
Culvers
IHOP
India Palace
Caribou
Jimmy Johns
Subway

So far, Subway is winning.

Healthy April Update

Hi Guys,

I forgot to update you on my Crohn's saga.

Yesterday morning the doc called me to see how I was doing, any recurring bloody scenes, etc.

I told him no, all was quiet on that front.

He said to stay on the liquid diet and we don't have to do the colonoscopy. (which I was doing without sedation, since I had no driver and wasn't going to miss any more work), so I was pleased about that decision, although not so excited about the liquid diet part. When you're hungry and haven't eaten in a few days the last thing you want is broth or tea. I want a cheese burger or a plate of spaghetti.

So yesterday went fine. After work I went to my friend Kim's house for dinner. She had her tonsils out and is on a liquid diet too, so we had protein shakes together. So filling. So delicious.  . . sort of.

I am suppose to get a call from the Doc this morning to check in and (hopefully) release me from the liquid diet.

I was marveling to John how attentive and caring this doc seemed. John scoffed.

"This guy is just worried he screwed up and you'll bleed to death and die then I'll slap him with a malpractice suit for wrongful death".

Well....

I guess I hadn't thought of that.

During the procedure the doc did take 30-35 biopsies throughout the large intestine (that seems excessive to me, but I didn't go to medical school, so I'll give him a pass on that one), and he did take 2 huge polyps out...I am still waiting on the pathology report on that one.

Anyway, lets hope for good news.

Tomorrow is CAT scan day. Scanning my esophagus and stomach. Esophagus is narrowing and stomach lining is inflammed. Damn am I a fine, healthy chick or what? LOL.

Still not a bag lady, so W I N N I N G. (Charlie Sheen voice)

Miller Matykiewicz Campbell Dargiewicz Osbourne family anthem

If you're a member of my family, its a given, if not a requirement that you not only know this song well, but the lyrics backwards and forwards.

An evening in the ER

Hi guys,

So as you all have read, I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy last friday.  Nothing very exciting happened afterward, nothing unsual. Until yesterday afternoon.

I had a can of soup for lunch, not a bowl of shards of glass with a side of razor blades.

I went to the bathroom, and the entire toilet was filled with blood. Like....horror story blood. Wow. That surprised me a little, (since I had a hysterectomy 2 years ago!).

I didn't really think it was an emergency because I felt fine. No pain, not dizzy. Sure, a little tired, but fine.

I figured I'd email the doc just in case.

Okay about 2 hours after I emailed the doc, same thing happened when I went to the bathroom. Hm. Not good.

Doc's nurse called me back. Said to go on a liquid diet (oh goody), and if it happens again, go to the ER. (sigh)

Okay.

Less then 3 minutes later the Doctor himself called me back and said to go to the ER. Great.

I went to the ER (and as a side note the Doc called my cell phone 3 more times, but I wasn't able to answer).

So they checked my hemoglobin, blood flow, and gave me IV fluids and the ER talked to the Doc, who is doing another colonoscopy on me today to figure out what the hell the problem is.

In the mean time I feel guilty as hell for making the people I love worry about me. I hate it when people make a big deal over me. It makes me uncomfortable.

I'm also hungry.

But hey....It could be worse right? I am not a bag lady.

Sharon Gammell

I know she is gone. I know I will see her again someday.

But I miss her so much.

I think about her at least every day. I see those little "laughing cow" cheeses at Cub and it makes me want to cry. She use to give those to us when we'd go to Thayers. I am to the point I avoid that section so I don't see them and want to cry.

As my days go by, I think "Oh, I should email Sharon about this and tell her about it, or see what she thinks".....then I remember she is gone.

I was riding in the car with John somewhere this weekend, and I thought I saw her out there  on the sidewalk. But of course it wasn't her.

:(

The Rainbow Bridge

I don't know if this is real or not, but it looks exactly what I have in my mind where the Rainbow Bridge is, where I know I'll be spending 90% of my time when I get Home.  

Once is Enough

Once Is Enough by Elvis Presley


All you got is one life
Living once can be rough
But if you live every day all the way
Once is enough

You can own just one suit
Worn and torn at the cuff
But if youre livin the life that you love
Once is enough

Whats the good of reaching ninety
If you waste eighty-nine
You got one life so live it
If you dont its a crime

Lifes a playful puppy
You can grab by the scruff
And if you live every sec what the heck
Once is enough

Never wait until tomorrow
What if it never comes
Life is a seven layer
Dont you settle for crumbs

Lifes a playful puppy
You can grab by the scruff
And if you live every sec what the heck
Once is enough

Too Late

His Latest Flame

Take me out back and shoot me....

Greetings

Well, yesterday was my colonoscopy and endoscopy.

As expected, the colonoscopy was the same ol same ol. Biopsies taken. Sent to lab. Don't call us, we'll call you. Only difference this time was they shot a bunch of blue dye in there so it looked like I ate a smurf. (When I told this to John, he suggested it was probably Clumsy Smurf, I concur).

Anyway, I had my first upper endoscopy. From everything I've read and heard, it should have been a breeze. (cue forboding music).

Okay. So they did the endoscopy 2nd, since I already would have had sedatives in me, to help pave the way.

The doctor shot some crappy tasting stuff in the back of my throat, and put some sort of mouth guard in. (so I woudln't bite someone?)

I didn't quietly relax as they did this, as I'd feared. Dispite the numbing stuff, I still gagged and struggled. It was horrible. They wound up giving me more sedatives, and thats about all I remember. I do remember hearing them tell me a few times: "April, you need to keep breathing, come on, big deep breaths".

I read over the medical gibberish that was given to me when I was sent home. I had to get a special decoder ring to understand it, and still I am perplexed. Nothing different on the Crohns thing, but the other end, from what I gather, my stomach is inflamed, and part of my esophagus is narrowing. (wtf?)

So I have a cat scan next friday morning to check out the esophagus deal. Then the week after that I get to meet with the doc to see what all this crap means.

Like I said.....time to take me out back and shoot me.....

Karma

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal - HILARIOUS

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions , and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. 

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. 

In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. 

You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). 

Then you have to drink the whole jug. 

This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. 

I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? 

This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. 

There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. 

You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. 

You eliminate everything. 

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.

 I was very nervous. 

Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? 

Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. 

Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. 

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. 

You would have no choice but to burn your house..

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.

 If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like..

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

..

..

This & That....

Hi Guys,

Here are some little "April Updates" for you all.

First, I'd like to thank Harley Davidson for finally sending me that check back that I messed up on and that Wells Fargo did nothing on. Thanks. I am going to now be thrilled to pay Mom and Dad back as well as my cousin Heather & Mike. It makes me nuts to owe money to people I love.

Second, I made my 2nd opinion help me my knee is screwed up appointment. That is for Tuesday March 12th. That is the first available appointment they had, so hopefully my knee and I can reach some sort of understanding. . .

Dear Right Knee, 

I'm sorry. Things haven't worked out quite as I'd hoped these last 10 months or so. I think I can say that its a little of my fault and a little of yours, yes? Sure, I probably should have kept up with the knee exercises that the physical therapist gave me, but in my defense, things have been a little busy. You though, I think we can both agree that you could have tried to hold up your end of the bargain too. Now, little knee, I am sad to say we are going to have to go see another knee cutter opener. Hey, maybe I am wrong here, you know? Maybe some exercises will do it, but....lets not kid ourselves, okay? I am fairly certain there is a problem in there. I am going to try and take it easy on you, and see how nice I am? I got you a nice new brace. Also, your sister Left Knee has been pulling a lot of overtime and extra weight, so lets just give her a quick shout out of thanks too - way to be a team player Left Knee. Good job. 

Thanks Knees - me

I had a Remicade infusion yesterday afternoon. Boring, but uneventful.

Tomorrow (cue violins), I get to have a colonoscopy with chronograph, AND the cherry on top is an endoscope! Yay! So you know what that means right? Yes, as of midnight last night no food, and TONIGHT is PREP night! We all know how FUN that is! I'll post a funny story on prep for your enjoyment later on. So I have the day off tomorrow. After the drugs wear off, and I have something to eat, I have a TON of housework to do. (yes, I promise to be careful with my knee).

Thanks for reading. :)
April

Don't take it personally...

Don’t Take Anything Personally. 

Nothings others do is because of you. 

What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. 

When you are immune to the opinions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. - Don Miguel Ruiz,

If We Never Meet Again

Calla, the little flower

Once upon a time, there was a tiny little flower named Calla. 

That little flower looked over and hey, there is another little flower I can talk to and be friends with. 

As the 2 flowers grew, a lot of weeds and rocks got in the way. The little flowers were patient though, and grew past the obstacles. 

Calla was strong despite life's droughts and floods. Many times, it looked as though Callas stem was going to break, but Calla kept her head high and bloomed anyway.

Sometimes, her little friend was there, cheering her on, but as life moved on, Calla became less important to her old friend. The more droughts, weeds, and lack of fertilizer her friend had, the less important Calla became. 

Calla remained patient for a long time. Eventually Calla lost patience and leaned towards other flowery friends she knew she was important to, in both good times and bad. 

Calla liked having friends who didn't forget her regardless of life's challenges. Weeds, drought, no fertilizer, floods, nothing kept her other flowery friends away.

As Calla leaned towards other friends and experienced life with them, her old friend would notice and try to be the flower it once was. 

But it was too late. Calla learned that this flower couldn't change its nature, that flower was of a totally different species than Calla was. 

It was what it was.

And that is okay. 

Calla mourned the loss of her old flowery friend she'd known for so long, Calla could see that her friend wasn't the flower it use to be, but had turned into a different kind of flower altogether. 

But Calla was a strong flower. She had a very strong stem, and a very strong root system. Calla came from a long line of very strong flowers. She knew what she needed and knew who she was important to. 

Calla would often gaze off into the distance, and see her old friend, whose stem wasn't as strong, whose colors not as bright, whose root system was not as deep, and sometimes even saw a glimmer of that that flower could become or use to be. 

Calla went on, living a long flowery life, being all the flower she could be, and wished only the best for her old flowery friend, even if she couldn't be a part of that flowers world. 

News of the Knee

Hello faithful Land of Osbourne Readers

You may recall, back in May of 2012 I had ACL & Miniscus surgery on my right knee.

I made it successfully through surgery, recovery and later, physical therapy. I have some not so fond memories of the huge cumbersome knee brace I was forced to wear.

After surgery I met with the guy who did the work, to see how my knee felt, bla bla bla.

He shook his head in a sort of resigned way and advised me my knees are very very loose. My flexibility is going to be an ongoing problem. (doesn't that just give you warm fuzzy feelings?)

He also indicated that its very hard for him to test my knees because they're so loose. Even right after the surgery, my right knee was loose.

When I first met the guy, he said that if they do a cadaver ACL replacement, the healing is faster and the pain is significantly less. (Well hell, that sounds good to me!). The only down fall was that the likely hood of having to do all this again is higher. (I must not have been thinking clearly at this point, I was probably still hearing the heal faster, less pain part).

Which brings me to the reason for my "news of the knee".

I am 70% certain there is a problem in there again. On 3 seperate occasions, my right knee has done that same thing that happened before surgery, I can feel my kneecap slide to the left, and then it starts to not want to hold me up anymore. Thankfully, the 3 times it happened, I wasn't doing anything stupid like....jumping jacks. ;)

I am due to go back to the doc who did the surgery to be fitted for a permanent brace (which I haven't done yet for a myriad of reasons). I realize if I go back there now to be fitted for the brace, I am going to have to be honest when he asks me how I am doing. Then we start the whole mess over again. MRI, follow up appointment telling me (pardon the language here): "Yep, you're fucked. When do you want to come back for the next surgery?"

My friend Kim has has 4 ACL surgeries (which makes me feel a bit like a whiner here), and I am impressed with the last doctor she went to. (for reasons I won't outline here, this post is getting long already).  From what Kim has said, this Doc (which is a chick I might add), is sort of the 'end of the line' ACL doc. People go to her when nothing else has worked.

I don't want to get to my 4th ACL surgery before I decide to see her, so I am fairly certain I am going to make an appointment.

I am FURIOUS about this. I haven't even made it a year on this knee. I DO NOT want to go through all this crap again. I do NOT want to blow away another spring, summer and fall screwing around with recuperation, physical therapy bla bla bla.

John and I went out and got another new knee brace to wear. Yippy.

I talked to Mom and Dad about it. Mom said in a very matter of fact tone: "Well, you're just going to have to get it fixed again. You can't be walking around on a bad knee. You could fall down a flight of steps and break your neck".  Wow. Good point Mom.

I told Mom that I don't think I want to go back to the doctor who did it last time, and I told her about Kim's doc. I've begun referring to the 1st doc I went to as Jed Clampett, and Kim's doc as Dr. House.  :)

My eyes are still not making moisture, which feels just great in the dry winter.

Crohn's is still causing problems, (of course!), I have the test on Friday to check those precancerous cells and also the esophagus, stomach, duodenum check also.

At the rate I am going, any other health problems come up, I'll have to be taken out back and shot.

(insert string of obscenities here)

3000 Miles To Graceland - Such A Night (Elvis Presley)

For my sister Rachel

Riviera