My Ozzy

Bones Season 9 Spoiler

Jax vs Booth vs Dean

So I was watching Sons of Anarchy yesterday, and the thought popped into my head, out of my 3 favorite shows, which lead actor would win?

Round 1:

Jax vs Booth = In this round, I am confident in saying Jax would beat Booth. Hands down.

Round 2:

Jax vs Dean =  tough call, but I am going to say Dean would win, for the simple reason he has Castiel as the ultimate back up, plus supernatural type weapons. Also, I sort of  feel that even if he didn't win per se, Jax wouldn't waste much of his time with Dean.

Round 3:

Booth vs Dean =  similar to round 2, I am going to go with Dean on this one. Same arguments.

I'd like to think that Booth could win out over all the above, I think ultimately, Dean Winchester is a smarter,more cunning adversary with a unique arsenal at his disposal that neither Jax or Both have.

Silly blog post? Probably, but ya know what? my blog, my rules. :)

Have a nice day. :)

Oh, yeah, and....

This coming Friday, September 6th is my annual (every 6 months I get to do this) colonoscopy, to check the progress of the disease and to check for cancer again.

Last time we did this song and dance, they found pre-cancerous stuff, which is the kind of thing that when it grows up it turns into cancer, so persona non grata.

Which means, after midnight tonight -NO solid food. (cries!)
NO food at all to be consumed until oh, 3pm-ish on Friday.

No. I am not nervous or scared. I'm sure you've all heard before the prep is worse than the experience of it - which is true.

I'll let you know how it all goes. If you recall 6 months ago when I did this, I had to go to the emergency room as there was a ton of internal bleeding from where the doc took a biopsy. Hoping not to relive that experience.

Who are you, mysterious reader?

So every once in a while, I check how many "pageviews" Land of Osbourne has. Usually I'm unimpressed. 9 views here. 4 views there.

The last week or so, there are like....38 page views....43 page views....

Which begs the question, who are you? Do I know you? Did you stumble across "Land of Osbourne" by mistake? Are you stalking me? (wink, wink)

Feel free to comment, make yourself known!

April Osbourne, author of Land of Osbourne

Tears for Katie

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying...you found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear.
"It's me, I haven't left you...I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea.
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you that I am not lying there.
I walked with you toward the house, as you fumbled for your key,
I gently put my paw on you. I smiled and said, "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over...I smile and watch you yawning
And say, "Goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we will stand, side-by-side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.

My Sweet Katie Goose

So you guys know that my beloved Boston Terrier Katie crossed the rainbow bridge on June 15th.

Being an avid Boston Terrier lover, I am a fan of any and all Boston rescue efforts. One of the ones that I "like" on Facebook is MidAmerica Boston Terrier Rescue - their website is: http://www.adoptaboston.com/

They have a deal where you submit a photo of your Boston Terrier, and a $25.00 donation, and your Boston Baby is guaranteed a spot on the 2014 Calendar.

I found out about this right around the time I lost my Goose. What better way to remember my sweetheart than to donate to this wonderful rescue site and immortalize my Goose?

Here is the last picture I took of my Katie, the day before she crossed the rainbow bridge - this is the one I submitted. I received confirmation today that my Goose will indeed be on the 2014 Calendar.

I cried a little, out of sadness and joy all at the same time.

I love you Katie Goose.

I'll see you again someday sweetheart.

Until then I'll see you in my memories and dreams.

Osbourne Update

Greetings & Salutations! 

I figured I haven't updated my millions of fans out there so I am taking time to do so today. 

I think when we last spoke I told you about my Katie Goose who crossed the rainbow bridge. I am doing better. 

Earlier this week, I dreamt that I was in a mental hospital because I couldn't stop crying. I kept telling everyone I lost my Goose, and that if I could just find her I would be okay. 

They showed me a picture of my goose and asked if this was her, I said yes. 

They took me down the hall and brought me into this little room, and opened a door, and Katie came running out, and into my arms. I sat on the floor with my legs crossed and held her in my arms and cuddled her and told her how much I loved her. She looked up at me and kissed me and she telepathically told me how much she loved me too. She was young, and slender and healthy. 

Sorta neat huh? 

You guys know I have birds, Gouldian Finches to be exact, also know and "Rainbow Finches". 

Romeo, one of my male birds, had some pin feathers coming in on his right wing, and thus hadn't been flying much, mostly just hopping from perch to perch. Saturday evening, I went to give them fresh food and water and discovered my Romeo covered in blood.  At first I was worried the other birds were picking on him, but he was picking at himself. So sad. He was too injured to save and I had to put him to sleep. I now have a male and female Gouldian, "Booth and Brennan", and a male and female pair of shaft tail finches "Latte & Breve". Those two are neat. The way they whistle and chirp they sort of sound like R2D2.  I am not going to replace Romeo & Juliet until I get a larger cage. I've had my eye on a "Vision" bird cage, which looks great - but is pricey.  

Saturday, John was helping a friend work on his car. I'll spare you the details, but he lost his wedding ring. :( 

A coworker recommended I see if my homeowners insurance would cover it - so I figured what the hell. I'll give it a shot. 

They WILL cover it! I submitted a claim yesterday and found a picture of what his ring looks like online to submit. (he had a black star sapphire on 14k gold with 2 diamonds). 

Mom and Dad are touring Canada currently and visiting friends, I am happy for them. I hope they have a great time. 

Hope you're all doing well. 

Take care! 

April Osbourne

Letting Go

To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore.  

It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret.  
Letting go isn't about winning or losing.  
It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past.  Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and it doesn't leave
emptiness, hurt, or sadness.  
It's not about giving in or giving up.
Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat.  To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on.  
It is having an open mind and confidence in the future.  Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing.  
To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow.


It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain.  
Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.  Letting go is growing up.  
It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy.
To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.

Boston Terrier Information

 Boston Terriers…

• Are lively and active; generally NOT couch potatoes or over-the-top hyper
• Are house pets and must be inside with air conditioning in the summer months and heat in the winter months
• Are energetic but NOT jogging partners, as they overheat easily, especially in hot, humid conditions
• Are amusing and can play on a moments notice, but can also settle down into your lap when playtime is over
• Love to cuddle and give wet kisses
• Are enthusiastic and occasionally rambunctious
• Have a great sense of humor and can sometimes be mischievous
• Are a great family pet. patient, tolerant, and reliable with children
• Are eager to explore new things in their environment
• Love to be the center of attention
• Have a high degree of intelligence but can be headstrong
• Often aim to please their owners
• Do well with other pets, though they can play rough
• Love for their owners to take part in their activities (playtime and one-on-one time is important)
• Prefer sleeping in bed with their owners, usually under the covers
• Are low-maintenance dogs with little grooming required
• Have short hair and shed lightly
• Are short muzzled known to snore, sneeze, wheeze, and snort
• Do not bark much unless making you aware of the presence of another dog or person
• Would prefer not to be away from the family for long periods of time
• Are alert and quick to react to sounds
• Are big dogs in little dogs’ bodies (average size is from 17 lbs. to 25 lbs., but they think they are Great Danes!)
• Take pride in defending their master

Watch Animal Planet Video about Bostons

Common Boston Terrier Health Problems

Every breed has common health problems. For Boston Terriers, there are several:

• Allergies (environmental or food-related): Ask your doctor about Benadryl and limited ingredient food, such as Natural Balance.
• Luxating patella: Bad knee caps, which may require surgery due to discomfort and pain. This is common in small-breed dogs. This could be the issue if your Boston is only using three legs.
• Tumors: This includes both fatty/benign and mass cell/cancer tumors.
• Thyroid disease: Low thyroid is common. A dog may test in the low-normal range. Medication is recommended if 1.6 and lower. Tests should include the T4.
• Heart disease: This could include a heart murmur, which requires medication, or congestive heart failure.
• Kidney disease
• Seizures: If you dog has more than one seizure in a 30-day period, consult your veterinarian immediately. Medication will be required, usually Potassium Bromide.
• Eye injury
• Breathing difficulties: Usually when stressed by exertion in hot and cold weather.
• Reverse Sneezing: gulping air and wheezing.
• Overheating: Bostons are indoor dogs and should not be left outside or in your vehicle for any length of time.
• Anal gland infection
• Gas: Bostons have sensitive stomachs, so feeding them the right food is important, Many foods will cause gas. Recommended dog food to eliminate gas problems in Bostons is Purina One Sensitive Systems, Purina Pro Plan Sensitive Stomach, or Natural Balance.

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Case of the missing song

So by now, you've surmised I am a Elvis Presley fan.

Naturally, I have numerous Elvis Presley CD's with a variety of his music ranging from early 50's to late 70's.

I have an iPod and and iPhone. My music is with me always as such.

I don't know if its happened to any of you, but occasionally a song is eaten by the iTunes monster and I have to find it for iTunes and show it where the file is so it will once again appear in my musical device.

Song in question this time: King of the Road by Elvis Presley.

I don't know where I got the song originally, as I couldn't find it on any of my CD's, and evidently I didn't download it from iTunes.

Dad to the rescue.

I emailed him my situation and within 30 minutes I had an email response with the attachement I needed! Just like that, "King of the Road" is back in my musical directory.

Thanks Dad!

Goodbye Katie Goose

Today John and I are taking our precious Katie Goose to the vet for the last time. A few months ago she began having seizures and was put on medication. Thursday night they've returned, and again last night. Faced with giving her more pills to mask a brain problem or letting her cross the rainbow bridge is breaking my heart, but I can't keep her here with us and be selfish, is time for her to go home. I know my big sweet Rommy Bear will meet her and show her the way. 11:20 today we say goodbye. We've been blessed to have her in our life for the last 12 years, she's led a good, much loved life. RIP Baby Goose.

Boston Terrier's Katie & Ozzy

God Hath Not Promised

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain

But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
 Unfailing sympathy, undying love.


God hath not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;
He hath not told us we shall not bear
Many a burden, many a care.

God hath not promised smooth roads and wide,
Swift, easy travel, needing no guide;
Never a mountain, rocky and steep,
Never a river, turbid and deep.

Turkey....?

So I work in Roseville, Minnesota.

Often in the suburbs and cities one often sees Mallards and Canadian Geese around and occasionally a white goose.

This morning, I got to work early as usual and was sitting in my car reading my book. 

I heard this sound that sounded like a turkey "gobble gobble". I looked around, didn't see anything. Went on reading my book.  Heard the sound again. Looked up, huge turkey strolling around the grass.

Huh. 

I got out of the car to go in to work, 5 more turkeys casually walking around the parking lot. 

I went into the building, set my purse and keys down, looked up and they were all by the front doors looking in at me. 

Turkeys....in Roseville, MN?

Weird. 

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick,  and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me good-night, and I felt loved and safe.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say,  "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking." 

Winter

THEN IT IS WINTER

I FIRST STARTED READING THIS EMAIL AND WAS READING FAST UNTIL I REACHED THE THIRD SENTENCE. I STOPPED AND STARTED OVER READING SLOWER AND THINKING ABOUT EVERY WORD. THIS EMAIL IS VERY THOUGHT PROVOKING. MAKES YOU STOP AND THINK.

READ SLOWLY!

You know. . . time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.

But, here it is... the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did myyouth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and thatwinter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting grey...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth...it’s over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

 

So, if you're not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

 

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.

LIVE IT WELL!
ENJOY TODAY!
DO SOMETHING FUN!
BE HAPPY!

Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.

LIVE HAPPY IN 2013!

 

LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING: 
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST 

YOU'LL EVER BE SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect!

Going out is good.. Coming home is better!

You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.

The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. 

It's called "pre-sleep".

You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

Everybody whispers.

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.

But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.

 

 

Any Way You Want Me (that's how I will be)

I'll be as strong as a mountainOr weak as a willow treeAnyway you want meWell that's how I will be
I'll be as tame as a babyOr wild as the raging seaAnyway you want meWell that's how I will be
In your hands my heart is clayTo take and hold as you mayI'm what you make meYou've only to take meAnd in your arms I will stay
I'll be a fool or a wise manAnd my darling you hold the keyYes, anyway you want meWell that's how I will be, I will be
Any Way You Want Me (that's how I will be)(posted for my sweetheart John, everytime I hear this song by Elvis, I think of him, for it describes him to a T)

April 17th 1997

On April 17th, 1997 at approximately 7pm, I married John Osbourne in Las Vegas Nevada, at the Las Vegas Wedding Gardens.

I was 23 years old.

John was 27.

I am now 39 years old and looking back that seems impossibly young to get married.

On April 17th, 1993 also at approximately 7pm, I went out on my first date with John Osbourne, at DeGidios Italian Restaurant in St.Paul, Mn.

I was 19 years old.

John was 22.

I can say that the road we've traveled hasn't been smooth sailing the whole way, its been rocky in some spots, a tough road, however through the good times, the bad times and the very hard times, we've found a way to make it through.

I love John more than I ever thought I could love another person. I am so grateful to have him with me. To have someone like him who embraces me for who I am, even though I am positive I drive him nuts from time to time.  He is my best friend in the world, and I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Happy Anniversary John. I love you.

I sell Avon

http://www.youravon.com/aprilosbourne

There's A Brand New Day On The Horizon

 

There's a brand new day on the horizon
Everything's gonna be just fine
There's a brand new day on the horizon
And the whole world's gonna be mine

I'm gonna tell old trouble, he'd better be moving on
Happiness is going to take his place around here from now on
The old dark clouds are gonna roll away
The sun is gonna shine
And the whole world's gonna be mine

I'm gonna tell old heartaches, pack his bags and go
I've decided that I don't want him hanging around no more
Don't you know I said everything's gonna be just fine
'Cause the whole world's gonna be mine

I'm gonna chase away those blues till they're out of sight
And I guarantee you honey they won't be coming back
Well don't you know I said everything's gonna be all right
'Cause the whole world's gonna be mine

I know my luck's gonna change, just you wait and see
Startin' tomorrow only good things in life are going to come to me
There's a brand new day on the horizon

Crohn's Disease details you never thought of

Why are Chronic Diseases like Crohn’s Disease, Colitis and Inflammatory Bowel Disease (“IBD”) such expensive medical conditions for Patients who even have Health Insurance? 

I get asked this question many times by friends and acquaintances who care a great deal about me and can’t understand how my Crohn’s Disease has so badly damaged my financial “health” when all along the way I have maintained my Health Insurance. This is what I tell them when I try to explain.

Any Chronic Disease such as these, which is also incurable with autoimmune components, can create ongoing needs for medical care, expensive drug treatments, unpredictable or emergent hospitalizations and possibly several surgeries. While having Health Insurance is BEST, people don’t typically understand that in an ideal setting the Health Insurance Company may pay 70% of the cost of what they deem to be “reasonable and customary” for any of the aforementioned medical costs but there may be also be a significant “Deductible” which has to be met before that 30 percent of Reimbursement kicks-in. 

Moreover, what Health Insurers deem “reasonable and customary” in the Twin Cities, Minnesota for example, may be vastly different from the actual charges in New York City, for example, but location adjustments are typically not made by Health Insurers and that could leave a rather large GAP in the Charged Amount which the Patient will have to pay, in addition to the 30% balance. This is different when the Patient sees an “In-Network” physician but these days there are usually “variables” attached to that AND, more importantly, the more complicated your case of Crohn’s, Colitis or IBD, the more reason you need to see a well-renowned Specialist (as they see more of such cases and thus are prepared best to help you) and these doctors increasingly do not accept ANY Health INSURANCE. It is in the Patient’s best financial interests to ALWAYS see an “In-Network” medical professional but those interests may not align with the Patient’s medical interests in complicated cases or even in diagnosing cases of Crohn’s, Colitis or IBD due to their almost individualized symptoms and often difficult to recognize initial manifestations.

Many Patients with Crohn’s, Colitis and IBD are also increasingly turning to “Alternative” treatments or organic foods to combat the disease and any medication side effects and/or the stress which accompanies the entire IBD journey. Short of minor acupuncture benefits, Health Insurers understandably are reluctant to get fully behind these “holistic” approaches because in many instances what works for one Patient does not work for another. Or, the providers of these alternative treatments are not properly or traditionally “credentialed” such that the Health Insurers can readily trust their medical expertise. Yet, many IBD Patients swear by these treatments and thus they must pay for them out of their own pockets.

In my case of having Crohn’s Disease for almost 20 years, the accumulation of these aforementioned 30% fees, Balance Bills, Specialty Physicians and Alternative Treatments has created medical Credit Card debt that is stifling. In addition to the above VERY BASIC breakdown, the cost of NEW and more promising Crohn’s/IBD medications is usually extremely high and Health Insurers typically don’t cover a significant portion of their costs until said medication becomes more widely accepted. These newer medications might also come with side effects which in some instances could turn out to be as painful, disabling and expensive as IBD itself.   It seems there’s no way to tell who these new drugs will help and who they will harm but it is a chance many IBD Patients are all too willing to take due to the lack of effective Treatment options and the "incurability" of Crohn’s Disease. 

“Finally,” and please understand that this is a complex and individualized situation which I am trying to simplify for the purposes of communicating a basic explanation, many IBD Patients on the more severe “spectrum” of the disease often develop secondary autoimmune diseases such as Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Fibromyalgia, etc. and that begins an almost duplicate “journey” through the Healthcare system causing the Patient to incur all of the aforementioned expenses albeit for a different disease. Additionally, years (or in some cases just months) of taking certain effective IBD drugs can also create serious (and expensive) medical problems which must also be addressed such as Hip Replacements (from taking the drug Prednisone) or, for example, repeated hospitalized bouts with Pancreatitis from taking immuno-suppressive drugs to treat Crohn’s Disease. 

Please feel free to share any Comments and/or to pose a Questions

a message from your dog

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be painful: remember that before you get me. 

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me. 

3. Place your trust in me- it is crucial to my well-being.

4. Do not be angry at me for long, and do not lock me up as punishment.

5. You have your work, your entertainment, and your friends. I only have you.

6. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understands your words, I understand your voice when it is speaking to me. 

7. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget. 

8. Remember before you hit me that I have teeth that could easily hurt you, but I choose not to bite you because I love you. 

9. Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate or lazy, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I might not be getting the right food, or I have been out too long, or my heart is getting too old and weak.

10. Take care of me when I get old; you too will grow old. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say: "I cannot bear to watch" or "Let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier for me if you are there, even my death.
Remember that I love you

Depression

I am struggling with major depression. I have had it pretty much since I was around 18, off and on.

I've been on every antidepressant out there:

Prozac
Paxil
Effexor
Zoloft
Luvox
Xanax


I am currently on Wellbutrin XL and Buspar. With Xanax on the side too. Also broke down and found a Psychologist.

One thing about depression, while your in the middle of it, its hard to remember what it was like to be happy.

I'm embarassed and ashamed. I don't feel I have any right to be depressed.

Saw this picture today. This sums up exactly how I've been feeling.

Its so hard to pretend all day long that I am happy. It is so hard to force myself out in the world and be social, when all I want to do is curl up in bed and hide there.

Seeing things from both sides

Recently, I was asked an innocent enough question  - I've probably been asked it before and I know what my answer was previously, but now my answer was different and it has really made me think a lot the last few days.

I use to work in a customer service type atmosphere, where I was a part of a group of people, all working towards a common purpose, led by a supervisor or two.  Some people in that group excelling more than others, but each contributing.  Looking back, this type of setting definitely has it benefits.   A smaller privately owned company, maybe not as good pay or benefits.

I now work as an office administrator, where the dynamic is a lot different. While the company I work for now is very very large, with smaller offices throughout the United States (and world, for that matter); So I have the benefit of a large company, thus meaning good pay and benefits.

I am very thankful for my job. I know that I am good at what I do. (not perfect, I am human, I am gonna screw stuff up from time to time). I know that I am appreciated.

I was asked by my new Psychologist if I like my job. I don't know why it took me by surprise the way it did, because as I said, I've been asked it before, and I know the answer I gave, and nothing really has changed, at least I don't think it has. But you know what? I don't particularly like it. I don't hate it, just to clarify.

Like I said, I've really been thinking a lot about this statement.  Why I answered and feel as I do. I think its because there is so much more pressure to be the "administrator" who is in charge of running an office, versus being one of a group of people, thus less pressure.

I am a loner by nature. Sometimes its really hard to force myself to be social and do all the things that social people do.  Sometimes its hard to pretend to be someone I am not.

Ideally, I think my dream job would be to do something involving computers with not a lot of human interaction. However since I did not go to college and probably won't have that opportunity to do so in the forseeable future, I am going to stick with what I am good at, and be grateful for what I have.

Knee Update

 Good news (sort of), 

No surgery for now.  

The ACL that was replaced last May is frayed, not totally torn. But it IS stretched out.  

Miniscus that was repaired last May is also torn again. 

Doc fitted me with a custom permanent brace so I shouldn't have to worry about it going out on me, and is sending me to physical therapy.  

I check back with her in 6 weeks via phone, then in 3 months to see if I am happy or not. 

If not, then I have to have a whole new ACL put in.  

Goose Update

Katie is now back to her old self again.  Wanting to play 100% of the time. Very unhappy with her diet, as she use to be able to eat whenever she wanted.

She isn't quite as spry as she use to be, she can't hop up on the bed anymore, so she'll whine when she wants up, and John or I will pick her up.

Greg Brady

So due to ongoing depression, anxiety, panic and all that other crazy stuff I'm lucky enough to have inherited, and since not only my doctor and family have urged me to do so, I've sought out a counselor.

Finding a Psychologist that does evening hours is hard. When you DO find one, you'll be lucky if they have any openings before the end of the year.

The stars must have all been in just the right places, because I found one in Cambridge. 3 miles from home. Evening hours. Thank God!

I met with him last night, very compassionate guy, warm, inviting, small quiet office.

He looks exactly - EXACTLY like Barry Williams aka Greg Brady.

Made me smile.