If you're reading this, you know who you are.

​There was a time when I would have done anything for you, I loved you so much.

 

I knew you had flaws, I'd seen them transpire first hand, but despite it all, I loved you. Even now as I type that, I wonder why.

I even defended you to others, who saw you for who you were, but love blinded me.

Never in a thousand years did I think you were capable of hurting me in such a selfish, intense manner, although based on what I know of your history,and who you are to your core, I shouldn't have been surprised. ​

I thought that you loved me the same way I loved you. 

I was wrong. 

If you truly love someone, you are nearly incapable of hurting them, for you don't wish to see them in pain, much less be the one who caused it.

Do I still love you? 

No. (and I had to look deep for the answer) 

I'm nearly convinced I never knew who you were at all. Nothing will change my mind on this.

The person that I loved does not exist anymore, if SHE ever existed to begin with, and that I will never know for certain. Not that it matters.

What I do know, is you will never have a place in my life again. 

Even if you repent, and did the right thing, (which you are evidently incapable of doing) I would still not allow you into my life, nor would it begin to rebuild trust or any relationship. 

A long time ago, we talked about Karma, and I know then you believed.  

Karma. 

What goes around comes around. 

Do I wish you pain, the sort of pain I experienced? 

No. I don't. 

Why? Because that would make me no better than you.

What I do wish for you? 

Clarity

Empathy (impossible? I think so)

Someday, you will need something from me, and I will be the ONLY person on the planet who will be able to give it to you. (Of this I am certain. 100%)

Do not make the mistake of asking me for anything.  

Ever.

I will not give it to you. 

Remember that song, with the lyric: 

They have changed your attitude

Made you haughty and so rude

Your new friends can take the blame

Underneath your still the same

When you've learned these things are true

I'll be waiting here for you

As you tumble to the ground

Pick me up on your way down 

I no longer believe that underneath your still the same

And I won't be waiting here for you. 

Too Much

Living with Crohn's Colitis in 2017

​So, every 6 weeks, I have to have an IV infusion of a type of "Chemo-Therapy" drug called Remicade.

I have been on Remicade since mid 2001. 

Remicade + Immuran is what is keeping me alive, for all intents and purposes. (Immuran is a pill I take)​

This combination of drugs are used to combat Crohns Disease, the type I have, specifically, is: Crohns Colitis. 

Rare

Fewer than 200,000 US cases per year

Treatment can help, but this condition can't be cured

Requires a medical diagnosis

Lab tests or imaging often required

Chronic: can last for years or be lifelong

Crohn's disease can sometimes causes life-threatening complications.

Crohn's disease can cause abdominal pain, diarrhea, weight loss, anemia, and fatigue. Some people may be symptom free most of their lives, while others can have severe chronic symptoms that never go away.

Crohn's disease cannot be cured. Medications such as steroids and immunosuppressants are used to slow the progression of disease. If these aren't effective, a patient may require surgery. Additionally, patients with Crohn's disease may need to receive regular screening for colorectal cancer due to increased risk.

I read something from a Crohn's group I belong to on Facebook, where someone had financial difficulties and/or insurance challenges, and stated that it took about 5 weeks for the Remicade to "wear off", and for said person to begin to get sick again. 

5 weeks. 

At any given time, I am 5 weeks from getting very very sick. 

Its a very sobering thought for me. 

Once the Remicade wears off, it will begin gradually, but quickly morph into full on illness. 

I am so lucky to have the job I have, with the insurance I do. 

Be grateful that your immune system works correctly. 

Be grateful you don't have to give careful consideration to the types of foods you can or can not eat. 

Be grateful you do not have to be careful around inconsiderate people to come to work sick, thus putting your health at risk.  

I've not given up on a cure, but I am beginning to belive that it will not happen in my lifetime. 

H O W E V E R....

I will NEVER give in and submit to large intestinal removal for any reason. 

I will NEVER become a "bag" lady. 

I salute anyone who has the "Guts" (no pun intended there) to do it, the strength to undergo this, but it will never be me. I will never ever do that. 

Would I rather die than be a bag lady?  Many would not understand, but yes. I would rather die than have a "shit bag" attached to the front of my body for the rest of my life. 

That will never be me. 

So, for the time being, I hold on to the belief that if I keep my damaged diseased intestine intact, someday someone will be able to fix it. 

Today's Truth

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper

TS Elliott

Foreigner in an Elevator 💜

https://youtu.be/S-58jSCdtoc

Osbourne Family Update 5/24/17

Hello Land of Osbourne Readers! 

Hope you've all (all....3 of you? LOL) been well and have been having a great spring and looking forward to a wonderful summer. I am, and I know John and Ozzy are too. 

My sweet Boston Terrier Ozzy had to have 2 little lumps removed from his shoulder on Friday of last week. What a terribly stressful and upsetting experience that was. He has 2 incisions, one is about 3" long, the other is about 2" long, and the fur is shaved around the entire area. Interestingly, the thread stitches are purple. (my favorite color, good choice Doc!).  The first day he was home, he was very very groggy and wobbly on his feet. I had to carry him up and down 2 flights of steps to take him to go potty outside. I might mention he weighs 30 pounds. Heck of a work out for 3 days. He is now back to zooming around the house full of energy (Red Bull Ozzy!). I'm obsessively worried he is going to tear or itch his stitches, but so far he has been a good boy. Wednesday the 31st John is taking him in to have them removed and I can rest easy. 

I am off work Friday - Tuesday, as is John. I think we're going to finish painting the spindles on the deck and do some of that fun home owner stuff everyone loves.  

Shout out to my best friend in the known universe, Kim Johnson, soon to be Kim Roeker. She understands my joy, my sorrow, my anger and the intense pain I've felt since September of 2013. Without her and John by my side, I truthfully don't know how I could have made it as far as I have and not wound up in a rubber room permanently.  

I've made the decision that I'm not going to be anxious anymore about certain situations. Additionally,  I am not going to apologize for doing what I need to do to keep myself sane, happy and anxiety free. I am no longer going to do things that I don't want to do, just to make someone else happy if it means its going to make me uncomfortable. 

Have a wonderful summer, will talk to you all again in the not too distant future.  

 - April Osbourne - 

Pushing Away

 

Over the last 4 years, I've learned a lot about what it means to be a good person. 

I am slowly crawling out of the protective shell I've been hiding myself under, though comfortable and safe, I realize I can't stay there forever, as much as I want to.

I've also learned that sometimes, even though it sucks, you have to do what you can to protect yourself from any potential for being hurt again.​  You never imagine someone who "loves" you, to inflict intense emotional and mental pain, so when it does happen, it can and will change your outlook on life, yourself, and how you fit into the world around you.

It also shatters any and all trust that has been built up until that point. Trust is earned, you don't automatically have trust just because you're related to them. 

Actions, words and reactions speak volumes. 

Being the kind of person I am, in the past, I've tried  to inflict as little damage to others as possible, to the point in so doing of putting myself out on the line, trusting those around me, who "love" me, not to hurt me. 

Sadly, I've learned that it was a mistake to do that. It was a very difficult lesson for me to learn. 

A friend has been trying to get me to realize I already AM a good person. She is also insisting that its okay to do what I have to do to protect what is left of my shattered heart, even if it means making others unhappy. 

I am going to try to stop apologizing for doing what is right for me and myself. I am not responsible for the feelings of others, I am responsible for my OWN feelings. 

And to those who are guilty, and they know who they are, if it makes you feel better to blame me, because of my reactions, or the reactions of my husbands, then please, continue to tell yourself whatever you need to, to get through the day. In the end, you'll only have yourself to blame for mistakes you refuse to own up to. 

Am I angry about this? Sure, of course I am. I am human. But I am also moving forward. For each day I move forward, the pain receeds, at least for the most part. I am still scarred, still damaged, but I am me. I am a work in progress. I am also going to continue to be selective in who I allow into my life, and my inner circle. The circle is small. 

A final note. 

I do not care what ANYONE thinks of my choices, actions or things I've said. I do not need to explain myself, or apologize for who I am. 

Not anymore. 

 

This is me. 

You can accuse me of pushing people away, but what you're forgetting is I pushed to protect myself. 

The only one with enough information to judge, is God. 

I will not beg

I will not beg for your time and attention anymore.

The more you ignored me, the more I got use to being ignored. 

You stopped contacting me, I stopped waiting to hear from you.

The more you stayed away from me, the more I adapted to your absence. 

I have learned to live without you. 

I have moved on. 

If you loved me, you never would have done what you've done. 

Borderline Personality Disorder

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

In Case You Were Wondering

It is too late. 

At this point, that chapter is finished, that door is closed. (Closed and locked, frankly)

My journey is moving forward. I may glance back from time to time in reflection, and self-examination, but I will not go back down that road again. Ever.

It was your choice not to move forward by my side, and while unfortunate, I will not risk going down that road again. 

You shattered me. 

Shattered me in such a way I wasn't sure I'd be able to recover. 

But I did. I am okay now. 

Additionally, I see what you're doing now. 

Trying to be subtle. 

I noticed, and it makes no difference. 

I am sure at some point I will be forced to be in your presence again, which is fine. Not ideal, but fine. 

Rest assured though, I will not forget how you made me feel. 

hope

Wisdom

This

7 Things

Notice

Bones, on Fox

Back in 2005, I started watching television show, Bones. 

I've been a fan ever since. 

I've cultivated numerous online relationships which stemmed from the common love of the show, the characters, the story lines, all of it. I've even written some fan fiction under my pen name riviera41797 - although nothing recently. 

Every year as television show renewal and cancellations came up, Bones fans of the world waited, hoping for another year of Bones, and for 11 years, we were lucky. 

12 seasons of Bones, its been such a constant in my life. Television shows come and go, but Bones was always one I could count on as the new seasons began with shows that may or may not make it. I always knew, one day of the week, I had my favorite show, Bones. Didn't matter to me if it was on a Monday or a Friday. I was going to watch it, and my husband, friends and family knew not to bother me during Bones.

Bones has been my favorite show for the last 11 years, and will continue to be my favorite long after its gone. 

Special thanks to Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz who brought these characters to light in the best possible way.  Thanks also to Hart Hanson for "inventing" the characters and story lines.

I feel like I'm losing a friend as Bones end, but am thankful for the friendships its created, and am thankful for the DVDs I own! 

Not Everyone

Not everyone thinks the way you think,

knows the things you know,

believes the things you believe, 

nor acts the way you would act. 

Remember this

and you will go a long way

in getting along with people








-Arthur Forman -

😂

Forgiving

Indian legend

Two reasons

New (used) Ford Focus

Hi All!

Since March of 2011, I've been driving my little silver Ford Focus SE, whom I named Freddy. Freddy has over 200,000 miles and still runs great. Its a little rough around the edges, but I own it.

I have 2 payments left on the Harley Davidson I bought for John, and knew we'd be needing something with lower miles, so that we don't run Freddy into the ground and be left with nothing.

John has been on the look out for a replacement for me, and found a 2013 Ford Focus SE, with 23,000 miles on it (wow! practically new!). I LOVE IT.

It has tons of bells and whistles, is an automatic transmission, air conditioning, even has a USB. Very nice. Its black, which gives me the excuse to wash it as often as I want. Clean black cars look awesome. Named my new car: Frank.

Welcome to the Osbourne family Frank!

Osbourne Family Update

​Greetings and Salutations! 

It seems like a good time to do an Osbourne Family Update. 

Lets start with John, aka King of the Husbands. He is doing great. His job is going well, he is busy and seems to have really found his niche and is thriving at his job. Although he does work 1/2 day every Saturday, it all works well, that gives me time to get my Saturday morning housework done, so when he finally does get home, we can enjoy our weekend together. I'm so proud of him!

Ozzy - my sweet little Boston Terrier who I love to pieces and spoil at every opportunity is doing good too. Recently, Jeanette, my mother in law moved out after getting married, so he does miss her. But she comes over and checks on him several times a day. She only lives like 3 miles from us, so its not a long drive, and Ozzy loves his Grandma Jeanette. :)

Birdie update - I have 9 Zebra Finches, 2 Shaft Tail Finches, and 1 lonely female Gouldian Finch. Birdies all doing well. Every other week I do a total bird cage overhaul. I have a very very large bird cage John customized for me. One of my simple pleasures, is after the weekend house work is done, I sit in my recliner, sip coffee or tea, and watch them. So relaxing. 

Recently, our Chilean Rose Tarantula, Charlotte died. ​ We adopted her when a friend of John's died, and his wife couldn't find anyone who wanted her. She figured since John has a Python, why wouldn't he want a Tarantula too? No idea how hold she was, but we gave her a good life. Its weird. I never held her, but I sort of miss having her around.  It was sort of cool to see her creep around her little tank.

We have a "pet" mouse I liberated from being snake food. John and I both bought baby Ball Pythons this winter, (Vincent and Susie) so they're eating mice. So, I have a little white mouse named Mickey that I evidently overfeed, as he is a little fat. Love him though. When I clean his tank, I put him in a little hamster ball and let him run around the house. Ozzy is curious but knows to leave him alone. :) 

Now for me. I am doing good. I feel more free and happier than I've been in a long time. I let go of the pain and hurt of the past and am concentrating on moving forward and the future. Without John, I never would have made it through the severe depression I was in. 

My best friend Kim was a lifesaver as well. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a caring, loving, trustworthy and steadfast friend as she is. I struggle with Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety, but she puts up with me anyway. I make it a point to try and hang out with her one Sunday a month. Kim is also Ozzy's Godmother. I know if anything were to happen to John and I, she would make sure he was taken care of. Ozzy loves his auntie Kim. :) 

Work is going well for me too. While every job has its challenges, I am happy with my job and feel thankful that I work where I do. 

John and I are looking forward to working on the house in the upcoming year or so. First up is our deck. We are going to strip, sand and paint it. It really needs it. Excited to see how it turns out. 

Hope you're all well. Drop me a line sometime! 

April

Top ten myths about introverts

Notice

My secret?

This pretty much sums it up.

Dear God

Ozzy

He looks so irritated, "enough with the camera!"

Wasn't sorry

Just a dog, right?

Sometimes

Karma

Forgive

Out of storage!

Monkey bars

Yes

The other serenity prayer

John Sabbath Osbourne, my love

​Hello Land of Osbourne readers, 

I'd like to take a moment to appreciate the awesomeness that is the love of my life, my soulmate, my kindred spirit, my very best friend, my husband, John. 

What prompted me to do this?

This morning, I texted him to see if he wanted to meet me for coffee at lunch. (I work 3 miles away from him, I can pick whatever time I go to lunch). There is a coffee shop across the road from Aaron Carlson where he works called: Diamonds. He texted me back the following: "Ok, I can't wait. I love you so much". 

This. 

Amazing right? Been with this guy since I was 19 years old. our 19th wedding anniversary is quickly approaching. I ask him to have coffee, he says  he can't wait. We ride share. We're together almost all the time, yet he still gets excited to see me. 

That, my friends, is true love. 

Being married to me, I'd imagine is difficult. (though you'd never know it from his perspective). I have anxiety, panic, and depression issues. Severe. I also have Crohn's disease and from time to time a myriad of other issues, yet he doesn't complain, but is here for me in every way, 150%. 

He's my friend, my love, psychologist, plumber, car mechanic, handy man, ​financial supporter, simply put, he's my all. 

Thank you John Osbourne, for being you, for being my love, and for not caring that I had a boyfriend when I met you. 

John quote: "I wasn't going to let a boyfriend get in my way of getting to date you"

Best thing in the WORLD that ever happened to me. 

Can't wait for April 17th!

Don't believe

Little April

Ozzy, my Boston Terrier

Toxic

Silence

May We Meet Again

In peace may you leave this shore,

In love you may find the next,

Safe passage in your travels,

Until your final journey on the ground,

May we meet again.

One or the other

God works in mysterious ways

Real

Happy Birthday Bernie Matykiewicz

I hope you are having a great time in Heaven. I love you and miss you every day.

For Mom

Happy Ever After

It's a short walk down the aisle 

To a life filled with laughter

A short walk down the aisle 

To a "happy ever after" 

 It's a short walk down the aisle 

To those long years together 

A short walk down the aisle 

To a lifetime of forever 

 Two little words softly spoken 

Starts your life anew 

It's a short walk down the aisle 

Till you have to say "I do"

 It's a short walk down the aisle

To a life filled with laughter 

A short walk down the aisle 

To a "happy ever after"

Truth

Everyone

Everyone feels things differently. Everyone processes events, situations, and interactions in their own unique way. 

Just because you don't think that you would react if you were in the same or similar situation doesn't make how I react or feel any less wrong or more right. 

I am at a place in my life right now, where I am rebuilding my self from the inside that was so shattered by loved ones. I no longer have room for negativity or narcissism or anyone with less than honorable intentions. 

I'm also done looking backwards and am trying to concentrate on looking forward.

I'm so very happy, content, and blessed to be where I am in my life. Of course there are some things that I wish were different or wish I could change, but that's life isn't it?

Thanks for reading.

❤️

Nothing

Facts

Osbourne Update

Greetings Land of Osbourne readers! 

I realize its been a while since I did a real live update, not a meme, or uplifting words. So here we go. 

Lets start with my (step)son Johnathan. He moved with his Mom to a teeny town in Wisconsin and with no promising employment options, he decided to enlist in the United States Army. So proud! I spoke to him recently, he is about 2 weeks away from leaving for basic training. Way to go kiddo!  

Had a wonderful Christmas and birthday. Low key, quiet, just the way I like it. John likes to try and get me every single thing on my "list", so this year, he did the same. Spoiled? Me? (wink)

I recently sprained my left ankle. John and I had just gotten home from doing the grocery shopping, and he had said that he'd take the garbage out after we were done putting stuff away. Me, trying (in vain, it seems) to be helpful, decided to take the garbage out while he worked on putting stuff away. As I went down the front staircase at home, I missed the last step to the landing, and fell, spraining my ankle. I haven't seen John move that fast since I passed out in Cub Foods years ago at the onset of my Crohns. He vaulted himself over the banister, and was at my side in what seemed like seconds. (probably making sure I didn't fall and break my neck).  My ankle is much better. I have an air cast, and every day it gets easier to walk. 

This upcoming weekend is the 125th anniversary party at Aaron Carlson. They're holding an event at the Mall of America on Saturday, so we're looking forward to going to that. 

Monday, John and I have tickets to the final Black Sabbath tour, 17th row, on the for in front of the stage. I got these (very expensive) tickets for John's birthday in October when they went on sale.  Thinking ahead, I requested Monday and Tuesday off work.  

Speaking of work - all good for both of us Osbournes, no complaints! :) 

My Boston Terrier Ozzy has skin allergies, and we've had a heck of a time getting things under control. We've determined it must be something he eats that he is allergic to, because his skin is itchy year round, not just when he has access to grass, etc in the back yard. We've narrowed it down to probably beef, so we try to avoid beef ingredients when possible, and were using coconut oil on his skin and ears. Stopped at the vet, they gave me an antibiotic/anti fungal spray to use on him in addition to the fish oil and claratin I give him daily - its like a miracle combination! He has no more itchys now and is a very happy boy!  

Hope you are all doing well, take care! 

April Osbourne

So, for you, something to look forward to.

You know who you are, this one is for YOU.

But first...

Love the old too!❤️

Those damn ducks!

Anxiety and Crohns

EXPERT RESPONSE: "Anxiety and psychological distress is common in patients suffering from inflammatory bowel diseases, including ulcerative colitis. 

Psychological evaluation and support by trained experts is highly recommended. It is frequently difficult to discern whether the disease and flares bring about the psychological distress, or if periods of emotional stress can induce disease flares. 

There is intense communication between our brain and our intestines, frequently related to as the gut-brain axis. Therefore, it is possible for gut inflammation/stress to induce anxiety, and vice-versa." 

Have more questions? Email them to the IBD Help Center at info@ccfa.org or call 888-694-8872.