Land of Osbourne

  From 1994 to 1998, I worked at a nationwide answering service called Anderberg Answering Bureau. We were open 24/7, taking calls for over 5,000 companies across the country. To this day, I can say without hesitation—it was the most fun job I ever had. It wasn’t the pay (there were no annual raises, which is why I eventually had to move on). It was the people, the energy, and the sheer randomness of what came through those phone lines. 🌙 A Shift Like No Other I worked the 4pm to midnight shift, and it was like stepping into its own little world every night. The mix of personalities was unmatched: three drag queens (Todd, Billy, and Frosty), two Russian guys and a Russian gal, a group of Hmong girls, skater guys, and big, sassy ladies who kept us laughing. The calls themselves were just as eclectic. One minute I’d be doing order entry for motor books, the next answering a hotline for Old Country Buffet. Sometimes it was paging messages, attorney offices, dating services, or...

So, I show up for my big biopsy. I’m prepped, perfumeless, antiperspirant-free, and stretched out on the table with one boob out like it’s auditioning for medical theater. Above me? A giant calming photo of Lake Moraine in Canada, which felt more like the backdrop to a comedy sketch than a spa day. The ultrasound tech finds the suspicious spot and proudly calls the doctor in. He comes over, ready for action… and suddenly, the mass has Houdini’d itself right out of existence. She’s flustered, he’s impatient, and I’m just lying there with my boob on stage, watching them bicker. Finally, in peak sitcom fashion, the doctor snatches the probe and snaps, “Give me that!” like he’s about to change the TV channel instead of digging around in my chest. End result? No mass. Just two teeny-tiny cysts, a six-month follow-up, and me with the mental image of Lake Moraine forever linked to the most awkward treasure hunt of my life.

When John and I got married, it was up to me to choose his wedding ring. Me being the Elvis fan I am, I had just finished reading Elvis: A to Z, where I learned that Elvis loved black star sapphire rings. That sealed it. I went to Goodman Jewelers in Northtown Mall, in Blaine, Minnesota, and picked out a black star sapphire ring for John.  Fast forward a number of years. One day, John went along with a buddy to help someone with car trouble. While working, he slipped his wedding ring into his front jeans pocket for safekeeping. Later, he dropped his keys into that same pocket. At some point that day, his ring was gone. We were both devastated. Losing a ring is hard enough, but this one carried a story with it, and it felt like a piece of us had been misplaced. We replaced it with a tungsten band. It was sturdy, practical, and did its job. But the black star sapphire always lingered in our hearts. Then, about three years ago, I was scrolling on eBay and nearly fell out of my chai...