Thursday, April 18, 2013

Any Way You Want Me (that's how I will be)

I'll be as strong as a mountainOr weak as a willow treeAnyway you want meWell that's how I will be
I'll be as tame as a babyOr wild as the raging seaAnyway you want meWell that's how I will be
In your hands my heart is clayTo take and hold as you mayI'm what you make meYou've only to take meAnd in your arms I will stay
I'll be a fool or a wise manAnd my darling you hold the keyYes, anyway you want meWell that's how I will be, I will be
Any Way You Want Me (that's how I will be)(posted for my sweetheart John, everytime I hear this song by Elvis, I think of him, for it describes him to a T)

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

April 17th 1997

On April 17th, 1997 at approximately 7pm, I married John Osbourne in Las Vegas Nevada, at the Las Vegas Wedding Gardens.

I was 23 years old.

John was 27.

I am now 39 years old and looking back that seems impossibly young to get married.

On April 17th, 1993 also at approximately 7pm, I went out on my first date with John Osbourne, at DeGidios Italian Restaurant in St.Paul, Mn.

I was 19 years old.

John was 22.

I can say that the road we've traveled hasn't been smooth sailing the whole way, its been rocky in some spots, a tough road, however through the good times, the bad times and the very hard times, we've found a way to make it through.

I love John more than I ever thought I could love another person. I am so grateful to have him with me. To have someone like him who embraces me for who I am, even though I am positive I drive him nuts from time to time.  He is my best friend in the world, and I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Happy Anniversary John. I love you.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

I sell Avon

Friday, April 12, 2013

There's A Brand New Day On The Horizon

There's a brand new day on the horizon
Everything's gonna be just fine
There's a brand new day on the horizon
And the whole world's gonna be mine

I'm gonna tell old trouble, he'd better be moving on
Happiness is going to take his place around here from now on
The old dark clouds are gonna roll away
The sun is gonna shine
And the whole world's gonna be mine

I'm gonna tell old heartaches, pack his bags and go
I've decided that I don't want him hanging around no more
Don't you know I said everything's gonna be just fine
'Cause the whole world's gonna be mine

I'm gonna chase away those blues till they're out of sight
And I guarantee you honey they won't be coming back
Well don't you know I said everything's gonna be all right
'Cause the whole world's gonna be mine

I know my luck's gonna change, just you wait and see
Startin' tomorrow only good things in life are going to come to me
There's a brand new day on the horizon

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Crohn's Disease details you never thought of

Why are Chronic Diseases like Crohn’s Disease, Colitis and Inflammatory Bowel Disease (“IBD”) such expensive medical conditions for Patients who even have Health Insurance? 

I get asked this question many times by friends and acquaintances who care a great deal about me and can’t understand how my Crohn’s Disease has so badly damaged my financial “health” when all along the way I have maintained my Health Insurance. This is what I tell them when I try to explain.

Any Chronic Disease such as these, which is also incurable with autoimmune components, can create ongoing needs for medical care, expensive drug treatments, unpredictable or emergent hospitalizations and possibly several surgeries. While having Health Insurance is BEST, people don’t typically understand that in an ideal setting the Health Insurance Company may pay 70% of the cost of what they deem to be “reasonable and customary” for any of the aforementioned medical costs but there may be also be a significant “Deductible” which has to be met before that 30 percent of Reimbursement kicks-in. 

Moreover, what Health Insurers deem “reasonable and customary” in the Twin Cities, Minnesota for example, may be vastly different from the actual charges in New York City, for example, but location adjustments are typically not made by Health Insurers and that could leave a rather large GAP in the Charged Amount which the Patient will have to pay, in addition to the 30% balance. This is different when the Patient sees an “In-Network” physician but these days there are usually “variables” attached to that AND, more importantly, the more complicated your case of Crohn’s, Colitis or IBD, the more reason you need to see a well-renowned Specialist (as they see more of such cases and thus are prepared best to help you) and these doctors increasingly do not accept ANY Health INSURANCE. It is in the Patient’s best financial interests to ALWAYS see an “In-Network” medical professional but those interests may not align with the Patient’s medical interests in complicated cases or even in diagnosing cases of Crohn’s, Colitis or IBD due to their almost individualized symptoms and often difficult to recognize initial manifestations.

Many Patients with Crohn’s, Colitis and IBD are also increasingly turning to “Alternative” treatments or organic foods to combat the disease and any medication side effects and/or the stress which accompanies the entire IBD journey. Short of minor acupuncture benefits, Health Insurers understandably are reluctant to get fully behind these “holistic” approaches because in many instances what works for one Patient does not work for another. Or, the providers of these alternative treatments are not properly or traditionally “credentialed” such that the Health Insurers can readily trust their medical expertise. Yet, many IBD Patients swear by these treatments and thus they must pay for them out of their own pockets.

In my case of having Crohn’s Disease for almost 20 years, the accumulation of these aforementioned 30% fees, Balance Bills, Specialty Physicians and Alternative Treatments has created medical Credit Card debt that is stifling. In addition to the above VERY BASIC breakdown, the cost of NEW and more promising Crohn’s/IBD medications is usually extremely high and Health Insurers typically don’t cover a significant portion of their costs until said medication becomes more widely accepted. These newer medications might also come with side effects which in some instances could turn out to be as painful, disabling and expensive as IBD itself.   It seems there’s no way to tell who these new drugs will help and who they will harm but it is a chance many IBD Patients are all too willing to take due to the lack of effective Treatment options and the "incurability" of Crohn’s Disease. 

“Finally,” and please understand that this is a complex and individualized situation which I am trying to simplify for the purposes of communicating a basic explanation, many IBD Patients on the more severe “spectrum” of the disease often develop secondary autoimmune diseases such as Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Fibromyalgia, etc. and that begins an almost duplicate “journey” through the Healthcare system causing the Patient to incur all of the aforementioned expenses albeit for a different disease. Additionally, years (or in some cases just months) of taking certain effective IBD drugs can also create serious (and expensive) medical problems which must also be addressed such as Hip Replacements (from taking the drug Prednisone) or, for example, repeated hospitalized bouts with Pancreatitis from taking immuno-suppressive drugs to treat Crohn’s Disease. 

Please feel free to share any Comments and/or to pose a Questions

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

a message from your dog

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be painful: remember that before you get me. 

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me. 

3. Place your trust in me- it is crucial to my well-being.

4. Do not be angry at me for long, and do not lock me up as punishment.

5. You have your work, your entertainment, and your friends. I only have you.

6. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understands your words, I understand your voice when it is speaking to me. 

7. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget. 

8. Remember before you hit me that I have teeth that could easily hurt you, but I choose not to bite you because I love you. 

9. Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate or lazy, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I might not be getting the right food, or I have been out too long, or my heart is getting too old and weak.

10. Take care of me when I get old; you too will grow old. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say: "I cannot bear to watch" or "Let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier for me if you are there, even my death.
Remember that I love you

Tuesday, April 9, 2013


I am struggling with major depression. I have had it pretty much since I was around 18, off and on.

I've been on every antidepressant out there:


I am currently on Wellbutrin XL and Buspar. With Xanax on the side too. Also broke down and found a Psychologist.

One thing about depression, while your in the middle of it, its hard to remember what it was like to be happy.

I'm embarassed and ashamed. I don't feel I have any right to be depressed.

Saw this picture today. This sums up exactly how I've been feeling.

Its so hard to pretend all day long that I am happy. It is so hard to force myself out in the world and be social, when all I want to do is curl up in bed and hide there.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Seeing things from both sides

Recently, I was asked an innocent enough question  - I've probably been asked it before and I know what my answer was previously, but now my answer was different and it has really made me think a lot the last few days.

I use to work in a customer service type atmosphere, where I was a part of a group of people, all working towards a common purpose, led by a supervisor or two.  Some people in that group excelling more than others, but each contributing.  Looking back, this type of setting definitely has it benefits.   A smaller privately owned company, maybe not as good pay or benefits.

I now work as an office administrator, where the dynamic is a lot different. While the company I work for now is very very large, with smaller offices throughout the United States (and world, for that matter); So I have the benefit of a large company, thus meaning good pay and benefits.

I am very thankful for my job. I know that I am good at what I do. (not perfect, I am human, I am gonna screw stuff up from time to time). I know that I am appreciated.

I was asked by my new Psychologist if I like my job. I don't know why it took me by surprise the way it did, because as I said, I've been asked it before, and I know the answer I gave, and nothing really has changed, at least I don't think it has. But you know what? I don't particularly like it. I don't hate it, just to clarify.

Like I said, I've really been thinking a lot about this statement.  Why I answered and feel as I do. I think its because there is so much more pressure to be the "administrator" who is in charge of running an office, versus being one of a group of people, thus less pressure.

I am a loner by nature. Sometimes its really hard to force myself to be social and do all the things that social people do.  Sometimes its hard to pretend to be someone I am not.

Ideally, I think my dream job would be to do something involving computers with not a lot of human interaction. However since I did not go to college and probably won't have that opportunity to do so in the forseeable future, I am going to stick with what I am good at, and be grateful for what I have.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Knee Update

 Good news (sort of), 

No surgery for now.  

The ACL that was replaced last May is frayed, not totally torn. But it IS stretched out.  

Miniscus that was repaired last May is also torn again. 

Doc fitted me with a custom permanent brace so I shouldn't have to worry about it going out on me, and is sending me to physical therapy.  

I check back with her in 6 weeks via phone, then in 3 months to see if I am happy or not. 

If not, then I have to have a whole new ACL put in.  

Goose Update

Katie is now back to her old self again.  Wanting to play 100% of the time. Very unhappy with her diet, as she use to be able to eat whenever she wanted.

She isn't quite as spry as she use to be, she can't hop up on the bed anymore, so she'll whine when she wants up, and John or I will pick her up.

Greg Brady

So due to ongoing depression, anxiety, panic and all that other crazy stuff I'm lucky enough to have inherited, and since not only my doctor and family have urged me to do so, I've sought out a counselor.

Finding a Psychologist that does evening hours is hard. When you DO find one, you'll be lucky if they have any openings before the end of the year.

The stars must have all been in just the right places, because I found one in Cambridge. 3 miles from home. Evening hours. Thank God!

I met with him last night, very compassionate guy, warm, inviting, small quiet office.

He looks exactly - EXACTLY like Barry Williams aka Greg Brady.

Made me smile.