Thursday, June 26, 2014

Gym Membership Dear Diary

Dear Diary, 

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. 

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. 

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. 

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. 

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! 

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! 

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!! 

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me. 

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. 

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. 

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair master. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too. 

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. 

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me. 

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. 
I hate that b*tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. 

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. 

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the 
drama coach or the choir director? 

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. 

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little sh*t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! 

Thursday, June 19, 2014


"You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering; that’s the sad truth. Maybe they’ll break your heart; maybe you’ll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. You see two people and think they belong together, but nothing happens. The thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable. That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on out backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens that allow us to fly." 

Wednesday, June 11, 2014


Music is an interesting thing. It changes how you feel, reminds you of good things and bad. 

For some, they can take music or leave it. 

For others, they can't imagine a day without music in it, and that would be me. 

I love most all types of music. The only type I really don't enjoy would be "death metal" or things in  that sort of category. All other music, I enjoy. 

On certain television shows, tv commericals or movies, music plays an huge part. 

Here is a list of songs I won't be able to listen to without thinking of something else: 

(in no particular order, other than what pops into my mind first) 

Carry on Wayward Son - Kansas - Truthfully, I never heard the song before watching the TV show Supernatural. Now, not only do I associate that song with Supernatural, I have gone as far as downloading it. 

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper - This was featured prominently on an episode of my favorite show Bones. If you're a Bones fan, no other explanation necessary. Iconic episode.  Now, whenever I hear it, I think of Temperance "Bones" Brennan singing it in Karaoke shortly before Seeley Booth is shot. 

Hot Blooded - Foreigner - I had heard the song before, but wasn't impressed with it. Until the historic Bones episode that any true Bones fan worth their salt knows; Season 1, Two Bodies in the Lab. It is now considered Booth and Brennans "Song", and has been featured on a few other episodes throughout the television shows history. It is my favorite song, and the default ringtone on my cell phone. I love it. 

We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister - I love this song. It is now the theme opening song to Betty White's Off Their Rockers. Now when I hear it, I think of Betty White and that awesome show that makes me LMAO. 

Pick Me Up On Your Way Down - Charlie Walker - When I was little, Mom and Dad took me and Rachel to the Grand 'ol Opry. This song, when Rachel and I were kids, use to be one of her favorites. When we were at the Grand 'ol Opry, as we were walking out, someone was on stage singing this song. The song has a whole new meaning for me now, as it makes me think of Rachel. 

Hey Jealousy - Gin Blossoms - When I was dating John, back in 1993, he would play this song while driving us around in his white Camaro. Its now the ring tone for John on my cell phone. I love it, makes me think of my sweetheart. 

Black - Pear Jam - ditto to previous post 

Lawdy Miss Clawdy - Elvis Presley - When My Dad was in a band when he was younger, with my Uncle Soup, and cousin Keith, they would play this at every dance. My Mom  now hates the song because they played it so much.  That story makes me laugh, so that song is the ring tone for Mom. 

Ashoken Farewell - (instrumental) - My Dad heard this song while watching a Civil War documentary, loved the song so much he learned to play it on guitar and wants it played at his funeral. Makes me sad, but I like the song. 

These are just a few, but thought I'd share. Thanks for reading.

Thursday, June 5, 2014


Greetings and Salutations! 

Not sure if you guys are aware, but I suffer from chronic depressive disorder, which means that I will be on medication to help keep me smiling and sane, likely for the rest of my life. 

It has taken some time, (3 years to be specific) to figure out my magic combination of drug therapy, and I think I've FINALLY got it figured out. (well, not ME on my own, but with the help of my doc)

Despite my recent diagnosis of Gastroparisis, and the side effects and what that all means, the Crohn's Disease and we can't forget my bad knee too (which I realize needs surgery again, but until I can't walk at all, I'm not doing it). 

Anyway - the reason for my post is, recently I came to the realization that I am HAPPY. 

Sure, there are some things in my life I wish were different, just like anyone else, but I am smiling more and am happy. 

In closing, I'd like to say this: 

Some of the best prayers that I've prayed to God are the ones that he said : "No"   to. 

Take care friends....

April (Miller) Osbourne