50 Life Lessons

1.  Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2.  When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3.  Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4.  Don't take yourself so seriously.  No one else does.

5.  Pay off your credit cards every month.

6.  You don't have to win every argument.  Agree to disagree.

7.  Cry with someone.  It's more healing than crying alone.

8.  It's OK to get angry with God.  He can take it.

9.  Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10.  When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11.  Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12.  It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13.  Don't compare your life to others'.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14.  If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15.  Everything can change in the blink of an eye.  But don't worry; God never blinks.

16.  Life is too short for long pity parties.  Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17.  You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18.  A writer writes.  If you want to be a writer, write.

19.  It's never too late to have a happy childhood.  But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20.  When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21.  Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.  Don't save it for a special occasion.  Today is special.

22.  Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23.  Be eccentric now.  Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24.  The most important sex organ is the brain.

25.  No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26.  Frame every so-called disaster with these words:  "In five years, will this matter?"

27.  Always choose life.

28.  Forgive everyone everything.

29.  What other people think of you is none of your business.

30.  Time heals almost everything.  Give time time.

31.  However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32.  Your job won't take care of you when you are sick.  Your friends will.  Stay in touch.

33.  Believe in miracles.

34.  God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35.  Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36.  Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37.  Your children get only one childhood.  Make it memorable.

38.  Read the Psalms.  They cover every human emotion.

39.  Get outside every day.  Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40.  If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41.  Don't audit life.  Show up and make the most of it now.

42.  Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43.  All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44.  Envy is a waste of time.  You already have all you need.

45.  The best is yet to come.

46.  No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47.  Take a deep breath.  It calms the mind.

48.  If you don't ask, you don't get.

49.  Yield.

50.  Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. 

I know a sociopath, do you?

• People with antisocial personality disorder perceive the world differently than most people do and may not have the range of feelings that others have. Because they cannot relate to others, they have no trouble lying or violating the rights of other people in order to achieve their goals. Some of these people are very charming and adept at manipulating others, while others may use violence or intimidation to get what they want.

Behavior

• People who have antisocial personality disorder may engage is such risky behavior as violence, vandalism, theft, bullying and cruelty to animals. They are skilled liars and often quite good at conning other people. They may be aggressive and violent, but show no remorse if they hurt other people. Sociopaths often react impulsively, failing to consider how their actions could harm themselves or others. Many have no respect for authority and have a history of losing jobs and being expelled from school. Drug and alcohol problems are common in people with antisocial personality disorders.

 

Skinny & Ugly or Fat & Pretty

I had this posted on my blog previously, and its such a hilarious story, I had to post it again.




A while back, my sister Rachel and I were having a conversation with Kathryn, my niece (Rachels daughter, who is now 17).



I asked them both, if they'd rather be skinny & ugly or fat and pretty.



Rachel and I both agreed that we'd both rather be fat &  pretty. Probably thinking it would be easier to loose weight and still have the prettiness factor to work in our favor.



Kathryn disagreed, saying that she'd rather be skinny and ugly, because : "Hair and makeup can do a lot"



I smile everytime I think about it.

Words of Wisdom

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.




2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.



3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.



5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.



7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.



8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.



9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.



10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.



11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.



12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.



14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.



15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.



16. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.



18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.



19. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.



20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.



21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.



22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.



24. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Laugh Laugh

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Rindercella

Story of Rindercella Once apon a time, in a coreign fountry, there lived a very geautiful birl; her name was Rindercella. Now, Rindercella lived with her mugly other and her two sad bisters. And in this same coreign fountry, there was a very prandsom hince.




And this prandsom hince was going to have a bancy fall. And he'd invited people from riles amound, especially the pich reople. Rindercella's mugly other and her two sad blisters went out to buy some drancy fesses to wear to this bancy fall, but Rindercella could not go because all she had to wear were some old rirty dags. Finally, the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn't go. So she just cat down and scried. She was a kitten there a scrien, when all at once there appeard before her, her gairy fodmother. And he touched her with his wagic mand ... and there appeared before her, a cig boach and hix white sorces to take her to the bancy fall. But now she said to Rindercella, "Rindercella, you must be home before nidmight, or I'll purn you into a tumpkin!"



When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall, the prandsom hince met her at the door because he had been watchin' behind a woden hindow. And Rindercella and the prandsom hince nanced all dight until nidmight...and they lell in fove. And finally, the mid clock strucknight. And Rindercella staced down the rairs, and just as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper!



The next day, the prandsom hince went all over the coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. Finally he came to Rindercella's house. He tried it on Rendercella's mugly other ... and it fidn't dit. Then he tried it on her two sigly usters ... and it fidn't dit. Then he tried it on Rindercella ... and it fid dit. It was exactly the sight rize!



So they were married and lived heverly ever hapwards. Now, the storal of the mory is this: If you ever go to a bancy fall and want to have a pransom hince loll in fove with you, don't forget to slop your dripper!

Mental Health Hotline

Answering Service


This is the transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute.



Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.



If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press - no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia: Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9. If you have short term memory loss: Press 9.

If you have low self esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.