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Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal - HILARIOUS

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions , and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. 

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. 

In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. 

You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). 

Then you have to drink the whole jug. 

This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. 

I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? 

This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. 

There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. 

You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. 

You eliminate everything. 

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.

 I was very nervous. 

Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? 

Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. 

Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. 

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. 

You would have no choice but to burn your house..

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.

 If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like..

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

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This & That....

Hi Guys,

Here are some little "April Updates" for you all.

First, I'd like to thank Harley Davidson for finally sending me that check back that I messed up on and that Wells Fargo did nothing on. Thanks. I am going to now be thrilled to pay Mom and Dad back as well as my cousin Heather & Mike. It makes me nuts to owe money to people I love.

Second, I made my 2nd opinion help me my knee is screwed up appointment. That is for Tuesday March 12th. That is the first available appointment they had, so hopefully my knee and I can reach some sort of understanding. . .

Dear Right Knee, 

I'm sorry. Things haven't worked out quite as I'd hoped these last 10 months or so. I think I can say that its a little of my fault and a little of yours, yes? Sure, I probably should have kept up with the knee exercises that the physical therapist gave me, but in my defense, things have been a little busy. You though, I think we can both agree that you could have tried to hold up your end of the bargain too. Now, little knee, I am sad to say we are going to have to go see another knee cutter opener. Hey, maybe I am wrong here, you know? Maybe some exercises will do it, but....lets not kid ourselves, okay? I am fairly certain there is a problem in there. I am going to try and take it easy on you, and see how nice I am? I got you a nice new brace. Also, your sister Left Knee has been pulling a lot of overtime and extra weight, so lets just give her a quick shout out of thanks too - way to be a team player Left Knee. Good job. 

Thanks Knees - me

I had a Remicade infusion yesterday afternoon. Boring, but uneventful.

Tomorrow (cue violins), I get to have a colonoscopy with chronograph, AND the cherry on top is an endoscope! Yay! So you know what that means right? Yes, as of midnight last night no food, and TONIGHT is PREP night! We all know how FUN that is! I'll post a funny story on prep for your enjoyment later on. So I have the day off tomorrow. After the drugs wear off, and I have something to eat, I have a TON of housework to do. (yes, I promise to be careful with my knee).

Thanks for reading. :)
April

Don't take it personally...

Don’t Take Anything Personally. 

Nothings others do is because of you. 

What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. 

When you are immune to the opinions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. - Don Miguel Ruiz,

If We Never Meet Again

Calla, the little flower

Once upon a time, there was a tiny little flower named Calla. 

That little flower looked over and hey, there is another little flower I can talk to and be friends with. 

As the 2 flowers grew, a lot of weeds and rocks got in the way. The little flowers were patient though, and grew past the obstacles. 

Calla was strong despite life's droughts and floods. Many times, it looked as though Callas stem was going to break, but Calla kept her head high and bloomed anyway.

Sometimes, her little friend was there, cheering her on, but as life moved on, Calla became less important to her old friend. The more droughts, weeds, and lack of fertilizer her friend had, the less important Calla became. 

Calla remained patient for a long time. Eventually Calla lost patience and leaned towards other flowery friends she knew she was important to, in both good times and bad. 

Calla liked having friends who didn't forget her regardless of life's challenges. Weeds, drought, no fertilizer, floods, nothing kept her other flowery friends away.

As Calla leaned towards other friends and experienced life with them, her old friend would notice and try to be the flower it once was. 

But it was too late. Calla learned that this flower couldn't change its nature, that flower was of a totally different species than Calla was. 

It was what it was.

And that is okay. 

Calla mourned the loss of her old flowery friend she'd known for so long, Calla could see that her friend wasn't the flower it use to be, but had turned into a different kind of flower altogether. 

But Calla was a strong flower. She had a very strong stem, and a very strong root system. Calla came from a long line of very strong flowers. She knew what she needed and knew who she was important to. 

Calla would often gaze off into the distance, and see her old friend, whose stem wasn't as strong, whose colors not as bright, whose root system was not as deep, and sometimes even saw a glimmer of that that flower could become or use to be. 

Calla went on, living a long flowery life, being all the flower she could be, and wished only the best for her old flowery friend, even if she couldn't be a part of that flowers world.