Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Hello Land of Osbourne Readers!
Hope you've all (all....3 of you? LOL) been well and have been having a great spring and looking forward to a wonderful summer. I am, and I know John and Ozzy are too.
My sweet Boston Terrier Ozzy had to have 2 little lumps removed from his shoulder on Friday of last week. What a terribly stressful and upsetting experience that was. He has 2 incisions, one is about 3" long, the other is about 2" long, and the fur is shaved around the entire area. Interestingly, the thread stitches are purple. (my favorite color, good choice Doc!). The first day he was home, he was very very groggy and wobbly on his feet. I had to carry him up and down 2 flights of steps to take him to go potty outside. I might mention he weighs 30 pounds. Heck of a work out for 3 days. He is now back to zooming around the house full of energy (Red Bull Ozzy!). I'm obsessively worried he is going to tear or itch his stitches, but so far he has been a good boy. Wednesday the 31st John is taking him in to have them removed and I can rest easy.
I am off work Friday - Tuesday, as is John. I think we're going to finish painting the spindles on the deck and do some of that fun home owner stuff everyone loves.
Shout out to my best friend in the known universe, Kim Johnson, soon to be Kim Roeker. She understands my joy, my sorrow, my anger and the intense pain I've felt since September of 2013. Without her and John by my side, I truthfully don't know how I could have made it as far as I have and not wound up in a rubber room permanently.
I've made the decision that I'm not going to be anxious anymore about certain situations. Additionally, I am not going to apologize for doing what I need to do to keep myself sane, happy and anxiety free. I am no longer going to do things that I don't want to do, just to make someone else happy if it means its going to make me uncomfortable.
Have a wonderful summer, will talk to you all again in the not too distant future.
- April Osbourne -
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Over the last 4 years, I've learned a lot about what it means to be a good person.
I am slowly crawling out of the protective shell I've been hiding myself under, though comfortable and safe, I realize I can't stay there forever, as much as I want to.
I've also learned that sometimes, even though it sucks, you have to do what you can to protect yourself from any potential for being hurt again. You never imagine someone who "loves" you, to inflict intense emotional and mental pain, so when it does happen, it can and will change your outlook on life, yourself, and how you fit into the world around you.
It also shatters any and all trust that has been built up until that point. Trust is earned, you don't automatically have trust just because you're related to them.
Actions, words and reactions speak volumes.
Being the kind of person I am, in the past, I've tried to inflict as little damage to others as possible, to the point in so doing of putting myself out on the line, trusting those around me, who "love" me, not to hurt me.
Sadly, I've learned that it was a mistake to do that. It was a very difficult lesson for me to learn.
A friend has been trying to get me to realize I already AM a good person. She is also insisting that its okay to do what I have to do to protect what is left of my shattered heart, even if it means making others unhappy.
I am going to try to stop apologizing for doing what is right for me and myself. I am not responsible for the feelings of others, I am responsible for my OWN feelings.
And to those who are guilty, and they know who they are, if it makes you feel better to blame me, because of my reactions, or the reactions of my husbands, then please, continue to tell yourself whatever you need to, to get through the day. In the end, you'll only have yourself to blame for mistakes you refuse to own up to.
Am I angry about this? Sure, of course I am. I am human. But I am also moving forward. For each day I move forward, the pain receeds, at least for the most part. I am still scarred, still damaged, but I am me. I am a work in progress. I am also going to continue to be selective in who I allow into my life, and my inner circle. The circle is small.
A final note.
I do not care what ANYONE thinks of my choices, actions or things I've said. I do not need to explain myself, or apologize for who I am.
This is me.
You can accuse me of pushing people away, but what you're forgetting is I pushed to protect myself.
The only one with enough information to judge, is God.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
I will not beg for your time and attention anymore.
The more you ignored me, the more I got use to being ignored.
You stopped contacting me, I stopped waiting to hear from you.
The more you stayed away from me, the more I adapted to your absence.
I have learned to live without you.
I have moved on.
If you loved me, you never would have done what you've done.