I'll Take Love

Some people think that pot of gold

Is all they ever want to hold

But there's a treasure, I think more of

Measure for measure .. I'll take love

Some people think that their success

Is all they need for happiness

But there's a pleasure, I think more of

Measure for measure .. I'll take love

Pound for pound oh yeah and

Ounce for ounce love is all that really counts

So let them have their wealth and fame

Eat caviar and drink champagne

You're all the treasure I'm dreaming of

Measure for measure .. I'll take love

my step-son Johnathan

When my step-son Johnathan was a little boy, I'd often take him and my niece Kathryn to my parents home for the weekend. 

While in Brainerd, MN where my parents have a lakeshore home, we'd quite often make our way to the local coffee shop called "The Cocoa Moon".  Usually, when you bring a kid to a coffee shop, they typically order something along the lines of hot chocolate.  

Johnathan was looking at the menu and decided he wanted a Cappuchino. My Mom and I exchanged looks, and I asked Johnathan if he was sure that is what he wanted, he assured us that is what he wanted, he has had it before. Mom and I again exchanged doubtful looks, but ordered what he wanted.  

Ok, so we're all sitting down, drinking our coffee.  Johnathan takes a sip of his, and declares: "I need to get some more sugar for mine"....okay -  he gets up and gets a few packets of sugar and pours it into his drink and mixes it up.  Few minutes later, he gets up and says he needs a little more.   This happened about 5 times.  I figured there was at least 2 inches of sugar at the bottom of the cup by the time he was done.

As we were leaving, he tossed his coffee and stated that they must make coffee different there.  

I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to give a 10 year old kid espresso and lots of sugar, but I guess hindsite is 20/20

Piano

When I was a little girl, my parents paid for me to have piano lessons. From early elementary school to around the time I met John, I took lessons. 

Certain songs I really enjoyed playing, and memorized.  Anytime I hear those songs, my fingers still remember (mostly) just what to do. Surprisingly, it even causes me to long to play a piano, although I do not own one. 

I've tried playing eletronic keyboards in the past, and I feel sort of dumb for saying this, but the keys feel different. I mean, sure, the skillset is still there but its somehow not as enjoyable...or something than playing on a normal piano.  

I remember the type of Piano it was, it was a Whitney Kimball.  If the day ever comes where I have the time and inclination, I'd like to pick up playing again.  

I was pleasantly surprised how man free piano's are available on craigslist!

The songs I memorized that I really liked to play are: 

​Can-Can

Music Box Dancer

You're A Grand Old Flag 

You Are My Sunshine 

I also ​picked up the simple sheet music for "My Heart Will Go On" and taught myself that one on my own before finally giving up on playing.  

the irritation of having an incurable disease

​So, the other day, John asked me what would happen if I stopped taking the medication I take (the list is irritatingly significant). I gave it some thought and answered him, but it got me thinking...about how close I could come to kicking the bucket without them, and its quite startling. ​

So here we go: 

Immuran - Crohn's Disease immune system suppressant

Humira - Crohn's Disease shutter offer (for lack of a better description)

Metropolol - blood pressure

Omeprozole - acid reflux

now here is the fun ones:

Seroquil - depression/anxiety/panic

Zoloft - depression/anxiety/panic

Wellbutrin - depression/anxiety/panic

Xanax - self explanatory 

So, the first drug that is going to wear off (and I know this because I've missed a day taking it) will be Omeprozole. Acid reflux will come roaring back - really painful. I'd have to eat a constant stream of antacids for minimal comfort

Second drug that is going to wear off is the blood pressure one, Metropolol

Next will be the anti-depressants, and that is where EVERYTHING will make me sad, to the point I am crying over anything and everything. Then I'll begin to have extreme anxiety and panic, functioning will become difficult.  At one point, a doctor I was seeing tried to change the anti-depressants I was taking, so I KNOW this is what is going to happen, because I've done it already.

Finally, the Crohn's drugs.  Not hard to imagine at this point, as now is not a good time for me with Crohn's.  No appetite, non-stop diarrhea (think 10+ times a day), which will eventually lead to nutritional deficiencies, and dehydration, progressively getting worse. 

Then at some point down the road from this, my body won't be able to handle all this anymore and shut down.  

Doesn't that sound horrible? The Humira costs 14,000 per injection, which I take twice a month. No idea what the other drugs cost, pretty sure they're pricey though - to the point I'd not be able to afford them for long with no insurance. 

Its worth mentioning - nothing will ever change how I feel on this next statement, ever. 

I will NEVER EVER consent to have my large intestine removed and being fitted with a colostomy bag. NEVER. 

Would I rather die than having a shit bag attached to my abdomen? 

YES

I've had to give this idea thought since I was diagnosed in 2001, so this isn't a new determination, I've had years to think about this. 

The answer is no and it always will be. 

What a Blotch

The other day, my BFF Kim and I were listening to "The Dave Ryan in the Morning Show", specifically "War of the Roses" 

When we listen to this, she is usually getting ready for work at home and I am at work listening to it.  We frequently text each other commentary on what we're hearing.  

Here is a snippet of a texted conversation:

Kim: How are you?

Me: Currently being bitched at by a customer

Kim:  Why are people so blotchy?

Kim: Bitchy

Me: LOL - I hate blotchy people

Me: I was super nice and professional. Blotch

Me: LMAO - new insult by Kim - such a blotch

Kim: My new word I guess, LMAO

Look out blotches of the world!

Spring 2019 update

Greetings Land of Osbourne readers! (all…2 of you? LOL)

My last post was regarding my Boston Terrier, Ozzy and his trip to the Rainbow Bridge. I haven’t posted since, because I had nothing to say, really.

I still struggle with the loss of Ozzy. I can’t look at his picture without tears welling in my eyes. I can’t think of him without terrible sorrow. Even as I type this, I find tears in my eyes…..I guess for now, that’s all I really can say. 

In other news, we are quickly approaching the date that my best friend and I are going to Orlando, Florida for a Disney Vacation. I can hardly believe I am doing it, going on a trip without my John with me.  It’s a testament to my love, trust and friendship with Kim that even allows me the strength to do this. 

We will be staying with a friend that we both went to high school with (meaning not paying for a hotel), he will be picking us up and shuttling us around (no transportation fees), and he has season passes to the Disney parks (meaning free admission), so all Kim and I will ultimately have to pay for is food. I think I can handle that. I even gave Kim permission to take as many pictures of me as she wants. (for me that is HUGE, I hate having my picture taken, I feel ugly). 

My beautiful white Camaro is out of storage, and I’ve been driving it for the last month. Can I just say how much I love it and love driving it? The fact that it has a fantastic stereo system is a nice perk as well. 

Work is….the same I guess.  The guy I trained in back in late November left the company in March, so I am back to scheduling for a guy in Chicago.  Apparently I’m doing an adequate job…

John and I had our 22^nd wedding anniversary on April 17^th. Realized that I have been with him since I was a TEENAGER. Jeeze that makes me feel old. When I mentioned that fact to his mom, she replied: “You think that makes YOU feel old?” HA!

That’s it for me for now, enjoy your spring!

My Ozzy, time to say goodbye...

Hello, 

By now you've undoubtedly surmised that I have a little Boston Terrier named Ozzy, whom I love to pieces.  John and I love him and spoil him in every way. 

About a month ago, he miscalculated while attempting to jump on the bed, and he fell off. He didn't miss a beat, he jumped right back up on the bed to give me kisses.  I didn't notice anything unusual until 2 weeks later, I saw a large swelling on his hind right leg. I assumed it was a bruise from falling off the bed.  

Naturally, me being who I am, I worried about it quite a bit, so John took him to the vet to have them look it over. They agreed that it was a bruise and that it would go away in time.  3 days after that appointment, the vet called, asking to bring Ozzy back in, so they could aspirate some of the mass to make sure it isn't a Mast Cell Tumor, which my Ozzy has had 2 of and had surgery to remove in the last 2 years, this mass is the 3rd.  The surgery was hard on him and hard on me too. 

Yesterday, I had a terrible anxiety attack about this whole thing, so John and I took a day off work, to take Ozzy to the vet to get it checked out one more time. 

My baby has cancer again. The vet we go to is unable to perform the surgery due to the size and complexity. She referred us to a local canine surgeon to see what all would be involved for that to take place. 

I can't be selfish and put Ozzy through another difficult and painful surgery, knowing it is very likely another tumor will appear soon. What is breaking my heart, is he is acting normal. He doesn't understand why his Mom and Dad are crying, and petting him and cuddling him more than a few days ago.  He gets upset when I cry, so I  was trying to cry quietly in the other room, he heard me and came charging in to lick all the tears away.  Based on the size of the tumor, and how quickly it grew in size, makes me scared....where else has it spread?  I'm terrified that we will come home from work and he will be gone. 

We didn't even know it was our last Christmas with our Bubby. 

We didn't know that his birthday next Wednesday will be our last with him. 

He is turning only 8! Katie, our previous Boston lived to be 13, so we mistakenly assumed Ozzy would likely live around the same. 

Reality of us coming home from work, with no gate at the top of the steps, no little face looking at us, happy to see us. 

No wiggly little butt, no more puppy of a thousand kisses. 

No more snorey little dog keeping me awake, no more kicky doggy feet when he is hogging the bed. 

No more hopeful eyes when he wants to go with us to get coffee, so he can go for a ride in the car. 

No more groans when we're eating because he really wants a taste. 

To quote the Tin Man, from the Wizard of Oz: "Now I know I've got a heart, because its breaking"