What a Blotch

The other day, my BFF Kim and I were listening to "The Dave Ryan in the Morning Show", specifically "War of the Roses" 

When we listen to this, she is usually getting ready for work at home and I am at work listening to it.  We frequently text each other commentary on what we're hearing.  

Here is a snippet of a texted conversation:

Kim: How are you?

Me: Currently being bitched at by a customer

Kim:  Why are people so blotchy?

Kim: Bitchy

Me: LOL - I hate blotchy people

Me: I was super nice and professional. Blotch

Me: LMAO - new insult by Kim - such a blotch

Kim: My new word I guess, LMAO

Look out blotches of the world!

Spring 2019 update

Greetings Land of Osbourne readers! (all…2 of you? LOL)

My last post was regarding my Boston Terrier, Ozzy and his trip to the Rainbow Bridge. I haven’t posted since, because I had nothing to say, really.

I still struggle with the loss of Ozzy. I can’t look at his picture without tears welling in my eyes. I can’t think of him without terrible sorrow. Even as I type this, I find tears in my eyes…..I guess for now, that’s all I really can say. 

In other news, we are quickly approaching the date that my best friend and I are going to Orlando, Florida for a Disney Vacation. I can hardly believe I am doing it, going on a trip without my John with me.  It’s a testament to my love, trust and friendship with Kim that even allows me the strength to do this. 

We will be staying with a friend that we both went to high school with (meaning not paying for a hotel), he will be picking us up and shuttling us around (no transportation fees), and he has season passes to the Disney parks (meaning free admission), so all Kim and I will ultimately have to pay for is food. I think I can handle that. I even gave Kim permission to take as many pictures of me as she wants. (for me that is HUGE, I hate having my picture taken, I feel ugly). 

My beautiful white Camaro is out of storage, and I’ve been driving it for the last month. Can I just say how much I love it and love driving it? The fact that it has a fantastic stereo system is a nice perk as well. 

Work is….the same I guess.  The guy I trained in back in late November left the company in March, so I am back to scheduling for a guy in Chicago.  Apparently I’m doing an adequate job…

John and I had our 22^nd wedding anniversary on April 17^th. Realized that I have been with him since I was a TEENAGER. Jeeze that makes me feel old. When I mentioned that fact to his mom, she replied: “You think that makes YOU feel old?” HA!

That’s it for me for now, enjoy your spring!

My Ozzy, time to say goodbye...

Hello, 

By now you've undoubtedly surmised that I have a little Boston Terrier named Ozzy, whom I love to pieces.  John and I love him and spoil him in every way. 

About a month ago, he miscalculated while attempting to jump on the bed, and he fell off. He didn't miss a beat, he jumped right back up on the bed to give me kisses.  I didn't notice anything unusual until 2 weeks later, I saw a large swelling on his hind right leg. I assumed it was a bruise from falling off the bed.  

Naturally, me being who I am, I worried about it quite a bit, so John took him to the vet to have them look it over. They agreed that it was a bruise and that it would go away in time.  3 days after that appointment, the vet called, asking to bring Ozzy back in, so they could aspirate some of the mass to make sure it isn't a Mast Cell Tumor, which my Ozzy has had 2 of and had surgery to remove in the last 2 years, this mass is the 3rd.  The surgery was hard on him and hard on me too. 

Yesterday, I had a terrible anxiety attack about this whole thing, so John and I took a day off work, to take Ozzy to the vet to get it checked out one more time. 

My baby has cancer again. The vet we go to is unable to perform the surgery due to the size and complexity. She referred us to a local canine surgeon to see what all would be involved for that to take place. 

I can't be selfish and put Ozzy through another difficult and painful surgery, knowing it is very likely another tumor will appear soon. What is breaking my heart, is he is acting normal. He doesn't understand why his Mom and Dad are crying, and petting him and cuddling him more than a few days ago.  He gets upset when I cry, so I  was trying to cry quietly in the other room, he heard me and came charging in to lick all the tears away.  Based on the size of the tumor, and how quickly it grew in size, makes me scared....where else has it spread?  I'm terrified that we will come home from work and he will be gone. 

We didn't even know it was our last Christmas with our Bubby. 

We didn't know that his birthday next Wednesday will be our last with him. 

He is turning only 8! Katie, our previous Boston lived to be 13, so we mistakenly assumed Ozzy would likely live around the same. 

Reality of us coming home from work, with no gate at the top of the steps, no little face looking at us, happy to see us. 

No wiggly little butt, no more puppy of a thousand kisses. 

No more snorey little dog keeping me awake, no more kicky doggy feet when he is hogging the bed. 

No more hopeful eyes when he wants to go with us to get coffee, so he can go for a ride in the car. 

No more groans when we're eating because he really wants a taste. 

To quote the Tin Man, from the Wizard of Oz: "Now I know I've got a heart, because its breaking" 

Land of Osbourne UPDATE!

Friends, Romans, Countrymen...

Hi All. How was your summer and fall? Good I hope. 

John started a new job on Tuesday, and so far is quite happy, and significantly less stressed. We're still able to ride-share which was a very important aspect for both of us, not only for the obvious reason of saving money and not having to drive 2 cars, but we enjoy the time to and from work together as well.  

Things are good at my work also. Found out I'm NOT going to the National Sales Meeting in February, which is just fine with me. I'm not a huge fan of travelling solo if I can possibly avoid it. . . LOL...so I was recently requested to fly to Colorado to train in a new guy.  I get to go on 11/25 - 11/28 to Colorado. I've always wanted to see the Broomfield location, which I've heard is HUGE. I also heard the Denver airport is massive as well.  

My little Ozzy is doing fantastic, spoiled little guy that he is.  

That's about all that is new and shaking in my world. Hope all is well with you! 

Take care readers! 

Ear Worm of the day: Tommy Roe - Sweet Pea

I don't know when or if I heard it, but over the weekend this song got permanently stuck in my head, the following verse specifically:

I finally got to whisper sweet words in her ear

Convinced her that we oughta get away from there

We took a little walk I held her close to me

Underneath the stars I said to Sweet Pea

"Oh sweet pea, I love you can't you see? love you love you love you can't you seee? Oh sweet pea, won't you be my girl..." 

I posted it on my blog, forwarded it to my cousin...lets see if this will shake it loose...maybe I should hear that 1-877 kars for kids commercial? HA!

A Post for my younger sibling....reminder

Rachel

I am posting this on my blog to clear a few things up, on the off chance you stumble this way and read it.  

I know what happens when I email you.   

First and foremost, you need to know that I will never forgive you.  Nothing you say or do will ever change that. Additionally, although you're my sister biologically, not only do I not recognize you as such, and never will, I also no longer feel any sort of kind or loving emotion towards you at all.  

That will also never change. 

You know, and I know that Bernie GAVE me Susie's wedding ring. 

He didn't give it to you, he gave it to me.  

I know the EXACT date he gave it to me, the occasion and why he gave it to me. 

John was there, as was Marilyn.  

In the past, I've asked you to return it to me. You vehemently refused numerous times and finally said that if I gave you "Mike's File" back, you'd give me the ring back.  I sent the file to Mom. YEARS AGO. 

You recall the email you sent me: 

"If I pawned it why do I have it stupid selfish bitch your informants are pieces of shit just like u!" 

This email included a picture of said ring and a receipt with the date and time. 

(this actually qualifies as evidence of you owning stolen property BTW)  and I still have that email. (dated Monday August 19th 2013 3:58pm) 

Of course knowing you and your core personality, I do realize that there is a very good chance I will never see it again. 

(How sad is it that Mom has asked you numerous times to return it?  Nicely done Rachel)

I have accepted this situation in its entirety.   

John has not. Nor will he ever. He will NEVER let this go.  This is not a threat, its simply the truth. 

Evidently, you're incapable of seeing the damage you've done over this. (I wonder....was it worth it Rachel? Was it?)

This is in Gods hands now. My conscious is clear. 

Cuckoo Clock

My Uncle Bernie gave me this great old Cuckoo Clock a few years before he died, he had it when I was a little girl, and I always use to think it was magic. 

I love it, and it hangs in my living room, and I can’t help but think of him every time I glance at it.

No matter how fast or slow the pendulum is moving, that clock is determined to be fast. If John or I don’t continually adjust it, it will always be off by about an hour. 

💜

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is, in essence, true love -- so different from the kind of love most of us have known all our lives that it deserves a  definition of its own. 

Unconditional love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Finding out that this type of love you assumed you'd always have from someone isn't there anymore is painful.

How do you respond to this realization? 

Blame yourself?  

Blame the other person?

Keep trying to get the love back that never should have gone away to begin with? Which could wind up being an effort of futility and end up causing more pain?

Learn a lesson from the entire experience and move forward with the knowledge it has shown you...

On the other hand, what if they suddenly decide all is okay and suddenly they feel its time to "forgive and forget"?

Each person is going to feel and decide how to handle this based on their own experience in the situation and how it effected them.

Having been in this situation first hand, I know the pain. I know the sorrow it brings.

At one time, I would have probably "forgive and forget", but not only the pain itself, who it was from, and not only the thought behind the action, as well as lack of thought for the other person involved has given me a new perspective on this.

Can I forgive? No. Not anymore.

Can I forget? No. I will never forget the pain it caused me emotionally, and more importantly, mentally.

I have to protect myself and my heart from those whom I should never have to do so from.

Lesson learned. A very very painful lesson, one I am sad to have to have gone through at all.

The decision by the other party was selfish, childish, and no thought was given to the long term results or the feelings of others involved. 

For that reason, I will NEVER allow this to happen to me again. If pressed, "Why can't you just let it go?"

Because it should have never happened to begin with, and as its happened once from someone it NEVER should have come from, sadly it could happen again.

At this point, I can be grateful for my husband, John. I am grateful for Heather, my cousin who is the sister of my heart, and finally, my best friend Kim, who is there for me ANY time I need her. Without the support of these 3 I don't think I would have the strength to have gotten through this at all.


Onward and upward!

April 17th 1993 - April 17th 2018

Greetings ! 

So, back in 1993 when I began dating my husband John, he drove a 1985 Berlinetta Camaro. (white, T-tops, fast, loud...you get the picture).  I have been a fan of Camaro's ever since. I particularly like that body style, as later on I owned 2 of them myself, a 1987 (which was totaled when I was in a car accident), and then its replacement, a 1988 Camaro.  

Fast forward to April 17th, 2018. Our 21st wedding anniversary. 

My husband has/had a 1999 Harley Davidson Fatboy I bought HIM for his 40th birthday.  He enjoys riding it, I enjoy it as well, but with so many distracted drivers, older drivers, younger drivers and foreign drivers, he just didn't enjoy it as much and I was constantly worried for his safety anytime he went out.  

He sold his Harley and bought me a WHITE CAMARO. 

Granted, its not a 1985, but its as reasonably close as we're going to get and I love it. 

Its not a V8 (good!), has high miles (fine), and its not mint condition (even better!) 

When John told me this was his plan....disbelief, shock, then awe.  Every time I look at it, I remember what he did to get it for me and I just melt.  

King of the Husbands = John Osbourne 

Do not quit

No matter what you do or what happens, just do not quit. Posted: 31 Jan 2018 06:29 AM PST How does self-improvement apply to each of us? There is no one system or technique which applies equally across the board. There are numerous books, articles, teachers, techniques and schools of thought to guide us in our quest for self- improvement. There are a number of common threads running throughout all of these. Here are just a few of them: * Treat others as you wish to be treated. * You become what you constantly think about. * You determine what you are and what you will be by the choices you make. * When you honestly and deeply believe something it will become true. * Eat, breathe and live as though you were wealthy and you will become wealthy. * When your main focus is on lack and poverty you will continue to be poor and lacking. * Visualize what you wish as though it were true right now and not at some future date. * Take action on your wishes (dreams, desires). * Life is but a journey which is taken one step at a time. All we ever have is the step we are currently taking. * The Kingdom of Heaven is within (know thyself, go into yourself to seek the truth, the inner journey is the most important). All of these and the other common threads will apply to and be used by each of us in a different manner. What works for one person may not necessarily hold true for another. While it is true we can learn from others, we alone can make our journey. Nobody can do it for us. We must take these teachings and doctrines and adapt them to our own unique needs, desires and wishes. We do this through self-study and observation to find those areas in which we need growth and development. In conjunction with this, we need to research and study many different doctrines and teachings. From these we can determine those things that attract us and strike the note of truth within. You will know when something has the ring of truth to it. A whole doctrine or line of teaching may only contain one or two principles which will apply to you, however these may be critical to your development. Try to be as open-minded as possible, but always verify the truth of the principle for yourself. Never accept anything as being the truth for you until you have verified it for your own purposes. Another's truth may well be the direct opposite of your truth. So long as you seek self-improvement and development you cannot fail. You will undoubtedly become discouraged at times because of a lack of any perceived gains. Should you feel you have hit a brick wall, simply regroup and try another technique or strategy. No matter what you do or what happens, just do not quit. Those who continue to seek self-development and growth always win. It is simply a matter of time. I wish you great satisfaction in your journey through life. Robert Taylor

Minnesota Winter Driving

​So, as you've no doubt surmised by this point, I live in Minnesota, land of 10,000 lakes (its actually closer to 14,000 lakes), and 10,000 feet of snow every winter. (slight exaggeration) 

When I was young and stupid, I drove a Camaro, and the first year I owned it I made the not so bright decision to drive it during the winter. Its worth noting that my husband John has driven Camaro's in the winter as well. 

Camaro's are rear wheel drive, and are NOT designed for winter travel in any way shape or form. ​Regardless if you put lots of weight in the rear end (another winter time must) it will simply not do well.  

A few years down the road, I also owned a really nice Mustang. Having driven a Camaro in the winter, John and I knew it wouldn't do well, so we had no plans of driving it, however we did have to move it from one parking lot to another one winter day and we were shown how poorly Mustangs do. Worse than Camaros in fact. 

So, if you see a sports car this winter driving in the snow and ice, cut them some slack. It takes a LOT of patience and skill to drive one of these cars in the winter.  

I will say it did make a difference in how I drive in the winter after that, as I drive much more carefully than I think I normally would, and I can say with complete certainty that John is the best winter driver I've ever known. I think the sports car driving in the winter really made all the difference. 

Friends

 

People who claim to be your friend do not do the following:

• Talk negatively about you to anyone
• Speculate about your actions to others without fact based information
• Do not support you in things they do not agree with

Hard lesson to learn, painful. 

However it was an important lesson for me to learn, for I learned through experience recently who my "friends" truly are. 

Its lonely from time to time, but I am strong. 

I have had to be strong for a long time, and I will continue to do so in the best way I know how. 

I have learned now who I can trust and who I can not. 

I will continue to be nice and polite to all, but sharing with people who simply do not care makes no sense. 

Bottom line?  If you're my friend, thank you. I appreciate you. 

If you are one of the ones who did the things I listed above? 

Your actions are not what people who are "Friends" do.  Thank you for sh0wing me your true colors. I wish you the best.

Cambridge City Park 9/2017

Osbourne Back Yard 10/27/17 1st snow of the year

Minnesota

Osbourne Family Update, Fall 2017

Hello Land of Osbourne Readers, 

How was your spring and summer? Ready for Fall and Pumpkin Spice everything? Me too. Fall is my favorite time of year. The cooler weather, crunchy falling leaves, fall colors, all the good stuff.  

John and I had a great summer. Maybe not quite as productive as I would have liked, but what the hell. We work Monday - Friday, 1 hour commute each way every day. I guess its okay if we didn't reach all of our home-owner chore goals for the summer of 2017.  

Next comes Winter. In Minnesota, it can begin anytime from October - December. I don't mind the cold temps, but I HATE driving in snow and ice.​ My "winter" car, Freddy has new tires, and will soon have new brakes and rotors, then we'll be ready to tuck Frank into the garage for the winter and drive Freddy. Knock on wood, my little silver car makes one more winter. If not, we can always pull Frank out and drive him. 

(Yes, I name my cars) 

My sweet Boston Terrier, Ozzy is doing well also. We recently found another little lump on his neck - had it checked out - Vet seems to think its nothing (whew) 

Have a wonderful end of summer, beginning of Fall and winter in the not too distant future. 

Love to you, 

The Osbournes

May We Meet Again

Once Is Enough

All you got is one life
Living once can be rough
But if you live every day all the way
Once is enough

You can own just one suit
Worn and torn at the cuff
But if you're livin' the life that you love
Once is enough

What's the good of reaching ninety
If you waste eighty-nine
You got one life so live it
If you don't it's a crime

Life's a playful puppy
You can grab by the scruff
And if you live every sec' what the heck
Once is enough

Never wait until tomorrow
What if it never comes
Life is a seven layer
Don't you settle for crumbs

Life's a playful puppy
You can grab by the scruff
And if you live every sec' what the heck
Once is enough
 

My Purple Petunias from 2017

Susie, my Mohave Ball Python

Minnesota State Fair 2017

Ride in the car day for Ozzy! 6 year old Boston Terrier - Cambridge Minnesota USA

Far Side Favorite #2 - Bla Bla Bla Ginger

Far Side Favorite # 1 - SO much for the unicorns

Whatever

So, recently I've noticed a few people "un-friended" me on Facebook. 

While at first I was a little surprised, after giving it some thought, I came to the conclusion I don't really care, which is somewhat unlike me. Of course I feel bad that the people no longer wished to communicate with me, but feel no remorse either.

If you think that unfriending me on facebook is going to crush my spirit, or "that'll show her", I'm sorry to tell you your mission wasn't successful. 

Bottom line: If you want to be my friend, and be in my life in some manner, great.  I'm happy you're here.  If you don't like me, then unfriend me. Life is too short to deal with such petty bullshit. 

If you're reading this, you know who you are.

​There was a time when I would have done anything for you, I loved you so much.

 

I knew you had flaws, I'd seen them transpire first hand, but despite it all, I loved you. Even now as I type that, I wonder why.

I even defended you to others, who saw you for who you were, but love blinded me.

Never in a thousand years did I think you were capable of hurting me in such a selfish, intense manner, although based on what I know of your history,and who you are to your core, I shouldn't have been surprised. ​

I thought that you loved me the same way I loved you. 

I was wrong. 

If you truly love someone, you are nearly incapable of hurting them, for you don't wish to see them in pain, much less be the one who caused it.

Do I still love you? 

No. (and I had to look deep for the answer) 

I'm nearly convinced I never knew who you were at all. Nothing will change my mind on this.

The person that I loved does not exist anymore, if SHE ever existed to begin with, and that I will never know for certain. Not that it matters.

What I do know, is you will never have a place in my life again. 

Even if you repent, and did the right thing, (which you are evidently incapable of doing) I would still not allow you into my life, nor would it begin to rebuild trust or any relationship. 

A long time ago, we talked about Karma, and I know then you believed.  

Karma. 

What goes around comes around. 

Do I wish you pain, the sort of pain I experienced? 

No. I don't. 

Why? Because that would make me no better than you.

What I do wish for you? 

Clarity

Empathy (impossible? I think so)

Someday, you will need something from me, and I will be the ONLY person on the planet who will be able to give it to you. (Of this I am certain. 100%)

Do not make the mistake of asking me for anything.  

Ever.

I will not give it to you. 

Remember that song, with the lyric: 

They have changed your attitude

Made you haughty and so rude

Your new friends can take the blame

Underneath your still the same

When you've learned these things are true

I'll be waiting here for you

As you tumble to the ground

Pick me up on your way down 

I no longer believe that underneath your still the same

And I won't be waiting here for you. 

Too Much

Living with Crohn's Colitis in 2017

​So, every 6 weeks, I have to have an IV infusion of a type of "Chemo-Therapy" drug called Remicade.

I have been on Remicade since mid 2001. 

Remicade + Immuran is what is keeping me alive, for all intents and purposes. (Immuran is a pill I take)​

This combination of drugs are used to combat Crohns Disease, the type I have, specifically, is: Crohns Colitis. 

Rare

Fewer than 200,000 US cases per year

Treatment can help, but this condition can't be cured

Requires a medical diagnosis

Lab tests or imaging often required

Chronic: can last for years or be lifelong

Crohn's disease can sometimes causes life-threatening complications.

Crohn's disease can cause abdominal pain, diarrhea, weight loss, anemia, and fatigue. Some people may be symptom free most of their lives, while others can have severe chronic symptoms that never go away.

Crohn's disease cannot be cured. Medications such as steroids and immunosuppressants are used to slow the progression of disease. If these aren't effective, a patient may require surgery. Additionally, patients with Crohn's disease may need to receive regular screening for colorectal cancer due to increased risk.

I read something from a Crohn's group I belong to on Facebook, where someone had financial difficulties and/or insurance challenges, and stated that it took about 5 weeks for the Remicade to "wear off", and for said person to begin to get sick again. 

5 weeks. 

At any given time, I am 5 weeks from getting very very sick. 

Its a very sobering thought for me. 

Once the Remicade wears off, it will begin gradually, but quickly morph into full on illness. 

I am so lucky to have the job I have, with the insurance I do. 

Be grateful that your immune system works correctly. 

Be grateful you don't have to give careful consideration to the types of foods you can or can not eat. 

Be grateful you do not have to be careful around inconsiderate people to come to work sick, thus putting your health at risk.  

I've not given up on a cure, but I am beginning to belive that it will not happen in my lifetime. 

H O W E V E R....

I will NEVER give in and submit to large intestinal removal for any reason. 

I will NEVER become a "bag" lady. 

I salute anyone who has the "Guts" (no pun intended there) to do it, the strength to undergo this, but it will never be me. I will never ever do that. 

Would I rather die than be a bag lady?  Many would not understand, but yes. I would rather die than have a "shit bag" attached to the front of my body for the rest of my life. 

That will never be me. 

So, for the time being, I hold on to the belief that if I keep my damaged diseased intestine intact, someday someone will be able to fix it. 

Today's Truth

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper

TS Elliott

Foreigner in an Elevator 💜

https://youtu.be/S-58jSCdtoc

Osbourne Family Update 5/24/17

Hello Land of Osbourne Readers! 

Hope you've all (all....3 of you? LOL) been well and have been having a great spring and looking forward to a wonderful summer. I am, and I know John and Ozzy are too. 

My sweet Boston Terrier Ozzy had to have 2 little lumps removed from his shoulder on Friday of last week. What a terribly stressful and upsetting experience that was. He has 2 incisions, one is about 3" long, the other is about 2" long, and the fur is shaved around the entire area. Interestingly, the thread stitches are purple. (my favorite color, good choice Doc!).  The first day he was home, he was very very groggy and wobbly on his feet. I had to carry him up and down 2 flights of steps to take him to go potty outside. I might mention he weighs 30 pounds. Heck of a work out for 3 days. He is now back to zooming around the house full of energy (Red Bull Ozzy!). I'm obsessively worried he is going to tear or itch his stitches, but so far he has been a good boy. Wednesday the 31st John is taking him in to have them removed and I can rest easy. 

I am off work Friday - Tuesday, as is John. I think we're going to finish painting the spindles on the deck and do some of that fun home owner stuff everyone loves.  

Shout out to my best friend in the known universe, Kim Johnson, soon to be Kim Roeker. She understands my joy, my sorrow, my anger and the intense pain I've felt since September of 2013. Without her and John by my side, I truthfully don't know how I could have made it as far as I have and not wound up in a rubber room permanently.  

I've made the decision that I'm not going to be anxious anymore about certain situations. Additionally,  I am not going to apologize for doing what I need to do to keep myself sane, happy and anxiety free. I am no longer going to do things that I don't want to do, just to make someone else happy if it means its going to make me uncomfortable. 

Have a wonderful summer, will talk to you all again in the not too distant future.  

 - April Osbourne - 

Pushing Away

 

Over the last 4 years, I've learned a lot about what it means to be a good person. 

I am slowly crawling out of the protective shell I've been hiding myself under, though comfortable and safe, I realize I can't stay there forever, as much as I want to.

I've also learned that sometimes, even though it sucks, you have to do what you can to protect yourself from any potential for being hurt again.​  You never imagine someone who "loves" you, to inflict intense emotional and mental pain, so when it does happen, it can and will change your outlook on life, yourself, and how you fit into the world around you.

It also shatters any and all trust that has been built up until that point. Trust is earned, you don't automatically have trust just because you're related to them. 

Actions, words and reactions speak volumes. 

Being the kind of person I am, in the past, I've tried  to inflict as little damage to others as possible, to the point in so doing of putting myself out on the line, trusting those around me, who "love" me, not to hurt me. 

Sadly, I've learned that it was a mistake to do that. It was a very difficult lesson for me to learn. 

A friend has been trying to get me to realize I already AM a good person. She is also insisting that its okay to do what I have to do to protect what is left of my shattered heart, even if it means making others unhappy. 

I am going to try to stop apologizing for doing what is right for me and myself. I am not responsible for the feelings of others, I am responsible for my OWN feelings. 

And to those who are guilty, and they know who they are, if it makes you feel better to blame me, because of my reactions, or the reactions of my husbands, then please, continue to tell yourself whatever you need to, to get through the day. In the end, you'll only have yourself to blame for mistakes you refuse to own up to. 

Am I angry about this? Sure, of course I am. I am human. But I am also moving forward. For each day I move forward, the pain receeds, at least for the most part. I am still scarred, still damaged, but I am me. I am a work in progress. I am also going to continue to be selective in who I allow into my life, and my inner circle. The circle is small. 

A final note. 

I do not care what ANYONE thinks of my choices, actions or things I've said. I do not need to explain myself, or apologize for who I am. 

Not anymore. 

 

This is me. 

You can accuse me of pushing people away, but what you're forgetting is I pushed to protect myself. 

The only one with enough information to judge, is God. 

I will not beg

I will not beg for your time and attention anymore.

The more you ignored me, the more I got use to being ignored. 

You stopped contacting me, I stopped waiting to hear from you.

The more you stayed away from me, the more I adapted to your absence. 

I have learned to live without you. 

I have moved on. 

If you loved me, you never would have done what you've done. 

Borderline Personality Disorder

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

In Case You Were Wondering

It is too late. 

At this point, that chapter is finished, that door is closed. (Closed and locked, frankly)

My journey is moving forward. I may glance back from time to time in reflection, and self-examination, but I will not go back down that road again. Ever.

It was your choice not to move forward by my side, and while unfortunate, I will not risk going down that road again. 

You shattered me. 

Shattered me in such a way I wasn't sure I'd be able to recover. 

But I did. I am okay now. 

Additionally, I see what you're doing now. 

Trying to be subtle. 

I noticed, and it makes no difference. 

I am sure at some point I will be forced to be in your presence again, which is fine. Not ideal, but fine. 

Rest assured though, I will not forget how you made me feel.