Land of Osbourne

To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore.   It doesn't le ave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret.    Letting go isn't about  winning or losing.   It's not about pride and it's not about how you  appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past.  Letting go  isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and it doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness.   It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat.  To let go is  to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on.    It is having  an open mind and confidence in the future.  Letting go is learning  and experiencing and growing.   To let go is to be thankful for the  experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will  soon gain.   Letting go is havi...

Today John and I are taking our precious Katie Goose to the vet for the last time. A few months ago she began having seizures and was put on medication. Thursday night they've returned, and again last night. Faced with giving her more pills to mask a brain problem or letting her cross the rainbow bridge is breaking my heart, but I can't keep her here with us and be selfish, is time for her to go home. I know my big sweet Rommy Bear will meet her and show her the way. 11:20 today we say goodbye. We've been blessed to have her in our life for the last 12 years, she's led a good, much loved life. RIP Baby Goose.

God hath not promised skies always blue, Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through; God hath not promised sun without rain, Joy without sorrow, peace without pain But God hath promised strength for the day, Rest for the labor, light for the way, Grace for the trials, help from above,  Unfailing sympathy, undying love. God hath not promised we shall not know Toil and temptation, trouble and woe; He hath not told us we shall not bear Many a burden, many a care. God hath not promised smooth roads and wide, Swift, easy travel, needing no guide; Never a mountain, rocky and steep, Never a river, turbid and deep.

So I work in Roseville, Minnesota. Often in the suburbs and cities one often sees Mallards and Canadian Geese around and occasionally a white goose. This morning, I got to work early as usual and was sitting in my car reading my book.  I heard this sound that sounded like a turkey "gobble gobble". I looked around, didn't see anything. Went on reading my book.  Heard the sound again. Looked up, huge turkey strolling around the grass. Huh.  I got out of the car to go in to work, 5 more turkeys casually walking around the parking lot.  I went into the building, set my purse and keys down, looked up and they were all by the front doors looking in at me.  Turkeys....in Roseville, MN? Weird. 

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that little things can be the special things in life. When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick,  and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't. When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me good-night, and I felt lo...

THEN IT IS WINTER I FIRST STARTED READING THIS EMAIL AND WAS  READING  FAST UNTIL I REACHED THE THIRD SENTENCE. I STOPPED AND STARTED OVER  READING SLOWER AND THINKING ABOUT EVERY WORD. THIS EMAIL IS VERY THOUGHT PROVOKING. MAKES YOU STOP AND THINK. READ SLOWLY! You know. . . time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. But, here it is... the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did myyouth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and thatwinter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully...

I'll be as strong as a mountain Or weak as a willow tree Anyway you want me Well that's how I will be I'll be as tame as a baby Or wild as the raging sea Anyway you want me Well that's how I will be In your hands my heart is clay To take and hold as you may I'm what you make me You've only to take me And in your arms I will stay I'll be a fool or a wise man And my darling you hold the key Yes, anyway you want me Well that's how I will be, I will be Any Way You Want Me (that's how I will be) (posted for my sweetheart John, everytime I hear this song by Elvis, I think of him, for it describes him to a T)

On April 17th, 1997 at approximately 7pm, I married John Osbourne in Las Vegas Nevada, at the Las Vegas Wedding Gardens. I was 23 years old. John was 27. I am now 39 years old and looking back that seems impossibly young to get married. On April 17th, 1993 also at approximately 7pm, I went out on my first date with John Osbourne, at DeGidios Italian Restaurant in St.Paul, Mn. I was 19 years old. John was 22. I can say that the road we've traveled hasn't been smooth sailing the whole way, its been rocky in some spots, a tough road, however through the good times, the bad times and the very hard times, we've found a way to make it through. I love John more than I ever thought I could love another person. I am so grateful to have him with me. To have someone like him who embraces me for who I am, even though I am positive I drive him nuts from time to time.  He is my best friend in the world, and I can't imagine my life without him in it. Happy Anniversar...

  There's a brand new day on the horizon Everything's gonna be just fine There's a brand new day on the horizon And the whole world's gonna be mine I'm gonna tell old trouble, he'd better be moving on Happiness is going to take his place around here from now on The old dark clouds are gonna roll away The sun is gonna shine And the whole world's gonna be mine I'm gonna tell old heartaches, pack his bags and go I've decided that I don't want him hanging around no more Don't you know I said everything's gonna be just fine 'Cause the whole world's gonna be mine I'm gonna chase away those blues till they're out of sight And I guarantee you honey they won't be coming back Well don't you know I said everything's gonna be all right 'Cause the whole world's gonna be mine I know my luck's gonna change, just you wait and see Startin' tomorrow only good things in life are going to come to me There's a...

Why are Chronic Diseases like Crohn’s Disease, Colitis and Inflammatory Bowel Disease (“IBD”) such expensive medical conditions for Patients who even have Health Insurance?  I get asked this question many times by friends and acquaintances who care a great deal about me and can’t understand how my Crohn’s Disease has so badly damaged my financial “health” when all along the way I have maintained my Health Insurance. This is what I tell them when I try to explain. Any Chronic Disease such as these, which is also incurable with autoimmune components, can create ongoing needs for medical care, expensive drug treatments, unpredictable or emergent hospitalizations and possibly several surgeries. While having Health Insurance is BEST, people don’t typically understand that in an ideal setting the Health Insurance Company may pay 70% of the cost of what they deem to be “reasonable and customary” for any of the aforementioned medical costs but there may be also be a significant “Deduct...

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be painful: remember that before you get me.  2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.  3. Place your trust in me- it is crucial to my well-being. 4. Do not be angry at me for long, and do not lock me up as punishment. 5. You have your work, your entertainment, and your friends. I only have you. 6. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understands your words, I understand your voice when it is speaking to me.  7. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget.  8. Remember before you hit me that I have teeth that could easily hurt you, but I choose not to bite you because I love you.  9. Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate or lazy, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I might not be getting the right food, or I have been out too long, or my heart is getting too old and weak. 10. Take care of me when I get old; you too will ...

I am struggling with major depression. I have had it pretty much since I was around 18, off and on. I've been on every antidepressant out there: Prozac Paxil Effexor Zoloft Luvox Xanax I am currently on Wellbutrin XL and Buspar. With Xanax on the side too. Also broke down and found a Psychologist. One thing about depression, while your in the middle of it, its hard to remember what it was like to be happy. I'm embarassed and ashamed. I don't feel I have any right to be depressed. Saw this picture today. This sums up exactly how I've been feeling. Its so hard to pretend all day long that I am happy. It is so hard to force myself out in the world and be social, when all I want to do is curl up in bed and hide there.

Recently, I was asked an innocent enough question  - I've probably been asked it before and I know what my answer was previously, but now my answer was different and it has really made me think a lot the last few days. I use to work in a customer service type atmosphere, where I was a part of a group of people, all working towards a common purpose, led by a supervisor or two.  Some people in that group excelling more than others, but each contributing.  Looking back, this type of setting definitely has it benefits.   A smaller privately owned company, maybe not as good pay or benefits. I now work as an office administrator, where the dynamic is a lot different. While the company I work for now is very very large, with smaller offices throughout the United States (and world, for that matter); So I have the benefit of a large company, thus meaning good pay and benefits. I am very thankful for my job. I know that I am good at what I do. (not perfect, I am human, I...

  Good news (sort of),  No surgery for now.   The ACL that was replaced last May is frayed, not totally torn. But it IS stretched out.   Miniscus that was repaired last May is also torn again.  Doc fitted me with a custom permanent brace so I shouldn't have to worry about it going out on me, and is sending me to physical therapy.   I check back with her in 6 weeks via phone, then in 3 months to see if I am happy or not.  If not, then I have to have a whole new ACL put in.  

Katie is now back to her old self again.  Wanting to play 100% of the time. Very unhappy with her diet, as she use to be able to eat whenever she wanted. She isn't quite as spry as she use to be, she can't hop up on the bed anymore, so she'll whine when she wants up, and John or I will pick her up.

So due to ongoing depression, anxiety, panic and all that other crazy stuff I'm lucky enough to have inherited, and since not only my doctor and family have urged me to do so, I've sought out a counselor. Finding a Psychologist that does evening hours is hard. When you DO find one, you'll be lucky if they have any openings before the end of the year. The stars must have all been in just the right places, because I found one in Cambridge. 3 miles from home. Evening hours. Thank God! I met with him last night, very compassionate guy, warm, inviting, small quiet office. He looks exactly - EXACTLY like Barry Williams aka Greg Brady. Made me smile.

Katie seems to be doing better. She isn't quite as clumsy, she is no longer groggy, and lethargic, and was reported to RUN up and down the back yard steps. She isn't thrilled at the whole idea of being on a diet however. She has lost 4 pounds. Yay for the Goose! I took her for a walk yesterday, just a short one, to see how it goes. She wasn't real excited at first, but as we got going she seemed okay. I took Ozzy on a walk too - total different experience. He wanted to GO GO GO GO GO 100 miles per hour. Both are doing the go for a walk thing tonight after work again. thanks for the positive thoughts, prayers and love. April

Favorite Quotations I don't know what that means....Temperance Brennan Now you know what I do for an encore....Elvis Presley in King Creole It doesn't matter where you work, or what you're doing, there will always be someone or something there you don't like. - Dad - If you want something badly enough, if you work hard, you can make it happen - Dad - Its important to remember when praying to God, sometimes God says no. - Mom -

2 years ago today, this morning, my Rommy Bear crossed the rainbow bridge. Last week, my sweet Katie Goose began to have seizures in her sleep. John and I took her to the vet, they have her on phenabarbital. Since being put on this she has not had any other seizures. They did a complete blood work up, and her liver, kidneys and everything else are normal. Good news for a 12 year old sweetheart. She HAS however gained 6 pounds in 2 months - which is a LOT for a little dog like her. She is up to 25 pounds, and should be 16-19. On a diet now. The drug that Katie is on makes her very sleepy, groggy, and clumsy. The vet assured us that those symptoms should fade in 2 weeks. I have to carry her when she is really bad outside to potty. I am struggling with this. Am I being selfish? I don't want to keep Katie alive if her quality of life is going to be like this, but how long do I wait until facing that decision? More importantly, will my sanity make it that long? I can't s...

Here is a lesson that Sharon Gammell taught me not long ago. Wise words Sharon. You can do anything that you set your mind to. You are the author of your own life . You have the ability to change your life. You have unlimited potential ! You are a living magnet. You literally attract the things , people , ideas , and circumstances to you that vibrate and resonate at the same energy frequency as yours.Your energy field changes constantly , based on your thoughts and feelings , and the universe acts like a mirror , sending back a reflection of the energy that you are projecting.The stronger and more intense your thoughts and emotions are , the greater the magnetic pull becomes.Now , this is not a process that requires any real effort ; a magnet doesn't ''try'' to attract anything-it simple does , and so do you !You are always in the process of attracting something into your life. Do you realize that your life at this very moment is the result  of ever...

This morning at 3am Katie was laying next to me, and woke me when she had a seizure.   It lasted a few minutes, her little tongue was sticking out a little, and she was drooling.  She was a little tired for a bit after, then she got up, got a drink of water, wanted to go potty outside, wanted a cookie, then hopped back up on the bed to lick. (she licks everything).  I called the Vet, they said that sometimes in older dogs, they can develop epilepsy.  Its nothing I did wrong, and it doesn't mean she is going to die tomorrow.   If she has another one this week, I should bring her in for blood work, but she probably (hopefully), won't have one for a few months, but to just watch her.  I've been crying all morning.

Hi Guys, Well, I have kneeful news. I met with this super awesome specialist, one of the top knee surgeons in the State of Minnesota on Tuesday, where she and another collegue surgeon as well as a nurse did a battery of tests on my knee. Good News: I have not lost any strength at all in my knee, leg, or butt. YAY me. That's about as far as the good news goes. If I am really lucky, I tore my ACL again. (uplifting thought huh?) If I am not so lucky, I stretched the replacement ACL out. Not so lucky, you wonder? Why not so lucky? SIGH. Well, because one of the treatment options for that would be to cut a chunk of my tibia off, and put the whole mess back together again, thus preventing my knee from hyperextending, and causing further problems. Doesn't that sound just horrible? I can't imagine not only the pain levels but the rehab for that. Yikes! Hence my statement of if I am LUCKY, all I did was tear my ACL. Then I'll have another round of ACL surge...

Forgiveness is letting go of the pain and accepting what has happened because it will not change.  Forgiveness is dismissing the blame.  Choices were made that caused the hurt;  We each could have chosen differently, but we didn't. Forgiveness is looking at the pain, learning the lessons it has produced, and understanding what we have learned.  Forgiveness is starting over with the knowledge that I have gained.

A song just played on my iphone and it made me recall this. There is this one hit wonder called: "Bobby's Girl" by Marcie Blane from the 60's. When I FIRST met John, I was 18, going on 19, and I'd walk around the house (I lived at home), and I'd sing the lyrics, except I'd change it from "Bobby's Girl" to "Johnny's girl" there is this one part of the song where the back ground singers are singing: "Your not a kid anymore...." On the icing on my birthday cake when I turned 19, Mom had the bakers write: "Your not a kid anymore".... Here are the lyrics to that song: (You're not a kid anymore) (You're not a kid anymore) When people ask of me What would you like to be Now that your not a kid anymore (You're not a kid anymore) I know just what to say I answer right away There's just one thing I've been wishing for... I want to be Bobby's girl I want to be Bobby's g...

Doctor called back with the CT scan results, as well as with the pathology report from the colonoscopy. Good news, no problem they can detect with the esophagus / stomach. Why the narrowing then? Its an allergic reaction to a food that I've developed an allergy to. I've narrowed it down to dairy. Bad news... Well.. Bad news is my liver has fat deposits on it - so that means I have to get off my ass and get more exercise and eat better.  I would like to bitch for a second on this issue though - how exactly am I suppose to successfully loose weight if I can't eat fruits and vegetables? Whatever. I'll find a way. I'll just hang out with my pal Elliptical more. Other bad news... The biopsies they took are still precancerous. These cells turn into cancer. I asked the doctor how they deal with that, if it turns into cancer? His response? Colon removal. Okay. We all know how I feel about that. I told the doctor that surgery is not an option. He said h...

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Great news! I've been cleared to eat SOLID FOOD. I only have a 30 minute lunch, so my options are limited - since there are mostly only fast food places around here. Burger King McDonalds Perkins Culvers IHOP India Palace Caribou Jimmy Johns Subway So far, Subway is winning.

Hi Guys, I forgot to update you on my Crohn's saga. Yesterday morning the doc called me to see how I was doing, any recurring bloody scenes, etc. I told him no, all was quiet on that front. He said to stay on the liquid diet and we don't have to do the colonoscopy. (which I was doing without sedation, since I had no driver and wasn't going to miss any more work), so I was pleased about that decision, although not so excited about the liquid diet part. When you're hungry and haven't eaten in a few days the last thing you want is broth or tea. I want a cheese burger or a plate of spaghetti. So yesterday went fine. After work I went to my friend Kim's house for dinner. She had her tonsils out and is on a liquid diet too, so we had protein shakes together. So filling. So delicious.  . . sort of. I am suppose to get a call from the Doc this morning to check in and (hopefully) release me from the liquid diet. I was marveling to John how attentive and car...

If you're a member of my family, its a given, if not a requirement that you not only know this song well, but the lyrics backwards and forwards.

Hi guys, So as you all have read, I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy last friday.  Nothing very exciting happened afterward, nothing unsual. Until yesterday afternoon. I had a can of soup for lunch, not a bowl of shards of glass with a side of razor blades. I went to the bathroom, and the entire toilet was filled with blood. Like....horror story blood. Wow. That surprised me a little, (since I had a hysterectomy 2 years ago!). I didn't really think it was an emergency because I felt fine. No pain, not dizzy. Sure, a little tired, but fine. I figured I'd email the doc just in case. Okay about 2 hours after I emailed the doc, same thing happened when I went to the bathroom. Hm. Not good. Doc's nurse called me back. Said to go on a liquid diet (oh goody), and if it happens again, go to the ER. (sigh) Okay. Less then 3 minutes later the Doctor himself called me back and said to go to the ER. Great. I went to the ER (and as a side note the Doc called my cell p...

I know she is gone. I know I will see her again someday. But I miss her so much. I think about her at least every day. I see those little "laughing cow" cheeses at Cub and it makes me want to cry. She use to give those to us when we'd go to Thayers. I am to the point I avoid that section so I don't see them and want to cry. As my days go by, I think "Oh, I should email Sharon about this and tell her about it, or see what she thinks".....then I remember she is gone. I was riding in the car with John somewhere this weekend, and I thought I saw her out there  on the sidewalk. But of course it wasn't her. :(

I don't know if this is real or not, but it looks exactly what I have in my mind where the Rainbow Bridge is, where I know I'll be spending 90% of my time when I get Home.  

Once Is Enough by Elvis Presley All you got is one life Living once can be rough But if you live every day all the way Once is enough You can own just one suit Worn and torn at the cuff But if youre livin the life that you love Once is enough Whats the good of reaching ninety If you waste eighty-nine You got one life so live it If you dont its a crime Lifes a playful puppy You can grab by the scruff And if you live every sec what the heck Once is enough Never wait until tomorrow What if it never comes Life is a seven layer Dont you settle for crumbs Lifes a playful puppy You can grab by the scruff And if you live every sec what the heck Once is enough