Land of Osbourne

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money ? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment ? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up and watch your mouth. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka . * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. ...

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it! Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, ...

\ 1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After our hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act 4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. 5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.. 6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with...

Shannen Doherty, actress, has Crohn’s Disease. She has been battling the ailment for years. She will be on Dancing with the Stars this month. Dwight D. Eisenhower, 34th president of the United States suffered from Crohn’s disease and underwent an emergency resection in 1956 while in office. David Garrard, the Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease in March of 2004. Mike McCready, lead guitarist of Pearl Jam was diagnosed with Crohn’s at the age of 21. Rolando McClain, a college football player & NFL draft prospect recently revealed he has Crohn’s. Read about him here http://bit.ly/9UloRU Anastacia, the American born singer and song writer, was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease at the age of 13. Anastacia has sold over 25 million albums worldwide. Mary Ann Mobley, crowned Miss America in 1959, was diagnosed in her early 20’s with Crohn’s disease. She starred in sever films with Elvis Presley. She is also the co-chairwoman of the Cele...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to...

BITCHOLOGY When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch. When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch. Being a bitch means I won’t compromise what’s in my heart It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch. The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be.... I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! So try to stomp on me, just try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. ...

When my sister Rachel and I were little, her favorite song was this old country song by Charlie Walker, “Pick Me Up On Your Way Down” – every time I hear the song now, (its on my iPod), I think of her, and have it as my ring tone for when she calls me on my cell phone. The lyrics really tell a story, and in some ways matches the life Rachel has led. You were mine for just a while, now you're puttin' on the style And you've never once looked back, to your home across the track You're the gossip of the town, but my heart can still be found Where you tossed it on the ground pick me up on your way down Pick me up on your way down, when you're blue and all alone When their glamour starts to bore you, come on back where you belong You may be their pride and joy But they’ll find another toy Then they’ll take away your crown Pick me up on your way down They have changed your attitude, made you haughty and so rude Your new fri...

The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily so they can meet their quota of getting FREE FOOD donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute (about 15 seconds) to go to their site and click on the purple box ‘fund food for animals for free.’ This doesn’t cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here’s the web site! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/

Greetings & Salutations! I've realized as of late I've been a bad blog owner, as I've not been posting much. I've been distracted. Day before Christmas Eve, my husband John was layed off work. Because unemployment still hasn't finished "investigating" his file - he was on a long term contract with a temporary company, evidently that throws up red flags with Minnesota Unemployment people - thus no funds received from them. At one point, I had 10 bucks in my checking account, and was forced to activate a credit card I had promised I was only keeping for emergencies. However, its expected to be done being investigated on January 15th. Which is also the day I get paid (my hours have been cut to 32 hours by the way). I've begun to apply for a 2nd job, while looking for jobs for John on the internet, and cold emailing out his resume. (why isn't he doing it? he isn't as technologically advanced as I am, heh) Insert acute depression, anxi...

My list of celebrity crushes has always been the following - starting with the 1st, working my way to the most recent. 1. Luke Perry - Loved that total bad ass Dylan McKay. He resembes my husband John slightly, and that husky, raspy voice? Oh yeah. 2. Jensen Ackles - Found him when I was a Dark Angel fan - he played Alec. Loved the way that hot bar code looked on the back of his neck. I suffered through Dawsons Creek, just to see him, then he was on Smallville, so of course I followed him there. Now he is on Supernatural as Dean. Love his sense of humor, although I loved his sense of humor on Dark Angel as Alec more. 3. David Boreanaz, I developed a crush on him when I started watching Bones. I never planned on watching Bones, I might add, however my niece insisted I watch it, so we could "Talk about it together" - (which we never did by the way). Ironically, he resembles my ex boyfriend, Mark. Up until recently, he was my NUMBER one celeb crush (sorry Luke & Jensen...

1. Hear the word Twitter. Scoff. 2. Hear it again from someone else. Scoff again. 3. Hear about famous celebrity who is apparently "On Twitter." Scoff, but make mental note to check it out. 4. Log into Facebook to comfort self. 5. Sign up for Twitter. 6. Give up because it seems dumb. 7. Loudly criticize others on Twitter. 8. Follow @johncmayer, @aplusk, @rainnwilson, @wilw, @mrskutcher, @oprah, and one other person you actually know. 9. Post tweet that is a variant of: "Trying out this Twitter thing." 10. Attempt to dig a little deeper into Twitter. 11. Notice rampant usage of words: "Tweet," "Twitter," "Twitterverse," "Tweetie," "Tweetdeck," and something called "RT." 12. Scoff again, this time in confusion. 13. Tell friends you "tried that Twitter thing, but didn't get it and it's stupid anyway." 14. Log into Facebook because that site at least makes sense. 1...

Well.... I am proud to report that I got 95% of the to do list done. Tomorrow is my last day of "vacation". The following items did not get done: Clean back yard, under deck Clean silhouettes Wash Eddie Wash Camaro Rommy bath Paint hallway Paint bathroom Rommy bath and Silhouette thing still might happen. Not today though. Perhaps tomorrow. Tomorrow at 12:30 I have to go get a Remicade infusion. (intravenious drug that helps shut off my Crohn's Disease). So tomorrow is probably out for the balance of the list.  I had a feeling that those things were not going to happen anyway - they are the more yucky items. on another note.....season premiere of Bones is almost upon us!

I am off work from Friday, September 4th - Wednesday Septbember 9th. Since John and I have no money to go anywhere or do anything, here is my to do list: Vacation To-Do List: Scrub all woodwork Scrub entryway floor Scrub bathroom floor Scrub kitchen floor Clean leather furniture Clean back yard, under deck Clean mouse house Clean silhouettes Clean fish tank Clean windows Wash Eddie Wash Camaro Clean bathroom Dust Organize hall closet Organize entryway closet Organize bedroom closets Organize hallway closet Organize under kitchen sink Organize under bathroom sink Organize computer desk Rommy bath Paint hallway Paint bathroom Clean refridgerator Clean stainless steel Clean on top of refridgerator Water plants Clean snake cage  

Ya know, its tough to sometimes supress my inner smart ass. Too often I'll be at work, at home, in the car observing other drivers & people, or just out in the world, and so MANY smart alecky thoughts and/or actions I'd like to do run through my mind. My Grandma Maty use to say that it was a good thing she didn't always do or say what she was thinking, and when I was younger, I didn't understand what she meant at all. That feeling must be genetic. I know EXACTLY what she means. As I consider that last statement, I take that back. I KNOW its genetic. Because if I am out in the world, as I described above, and my sister Rachel is with me, all it takes is one look exchanged between us, and there is at least a 85% chance she knows exactly what I am thinking, and the same thought had occurred to her as well. (which is why when we worked at the same company together for a few years, they had to separate us, we use to get into too much trouble)

It makes me so happy to be able to help people. Helping people in big ways, small ways, just that overwhelming feeling of knowing that I made a difference, big or small, its just an indescribable feeling. I wish I could be one of the few who are able to work with people in say, a hospital, nursing home, or anything in the medical field, but I just can't. I'd get too attached to the person and it just wouldn't be a good situation. Plus, I'd always be worried I was hurting them in some way. I admire people in this field. So why is it, that I love helping people so much, I am so unable to ask for help or accept help myself, without enormous feelings of guilt? I like to feel like I can manage things on my own. I don't want to have to turn to someone and say: I need some help.

Your favorite chair is vacant now No eager woof to greet me No little paws to run Excitedly to meet me No playful bark, no little cry Will say it’s time for playing, I have put away your bowl, And other toys you won’t be needing. But I will miss you little friend, For I could never measure, The happiness you have brought to me, The comfort and the pleasure. And since god sent you here, In earthly joy and sorrow, I am sure there is a place for you in heavens bright tomorrow.

They've called the last dance of the evenin'. It's the one dance that we call our own. Most of the others are leavin' and headin' on home To cryin' goodbye of the fiddles. The sweetest of love songs must end, So I'll dance this one with you, just like I first met you. We'll never be this young again. We'll never be this young again. Never be this young again. Why sit and dream about what might have been? Yesterday's promise has died on the wind, So hold me tonight like you held me back then. We'll never be this young again. This is the same song we dance to Back when all our tomorrows were bright. Now darlin', we have the chance to relive 'em tonight. Why talk of the years that we've wasted Or places that we've never been? Just dance this one with me like you first met me. We'll never be this young again. We'll never be this young again Never be this young again. Why s...

I had this posted on my blog previously, and its such a hilarious story, I had to post it again. A while back, my sister Rachel and I were having a conversation with Kathryn, my niece (Rachels daughter, who is now 15). I asked them both, if they'd rather be skinny & ugly or fat and pretty. Rachel and I both agreed that we'd both rather be fat & pretty. Probably thinking it would be easier to loose weight and still have the prettiness factor to work in our favor. Kathryn disagreed, saying that she'd rather be skinny and ugly, because : "Hair and makeup can do a lot" I smile everytime I think about it.

Story of Rindercella Once apon a time, in a coreign fountry, there lived a very geautiful birl; her name was Rindercella. Now, Rindercella lived with her mugly other and her two sad bisters. And in this same coreign fountry, there was a very prandsom hince. And this prandsom hince was going to have a bancy fall. And he'd invited people from riles amound, especially the pich reople. Rindercella's mugly other and her two sad blisters went out to buy some drancy fesses to wear to this bancy fall, but Rindercella could not go because all she had to wear were some old rirty dags. Finally, the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn't go. So she just cat down and scried. She was a kitten there a scrien, when all at once there appeard before her, her gairy fodmother. And he touched her with his wagic mand ... and there appeared before her, a cig boach and hix white sorces to take her to the bancy fall. But now she said to Rindercella, "Rindercella, you mus...

Answering Service This is the transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute. Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press - no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia: Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social secur...

Best Rum Cake Ever Ingredients: 1 C butter 1 tsp baking soda 1 C sugar 1 tsp salt 4 large eggs lemon juice 1 C dried fruit 1 C brown sugar 1 tsp baking powder nuts 1 or 2 quarts rum Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. (Pretty good, huh?) Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check rum again as it must be just right. To be sure the rum is of the finest quality, pour one level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat, if needed. With an electric mixer, beat 1 C of the butter in a large fluffy bowl and add 1 teaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality. Cry anuther tup. Open second quart, if necessary. Add 2 arge eggs. 2 cups fried druit and beat til high. If druit get stuck in beaters, just pry loose witha drewsciver Sample rum again to check for tonscisticity Next, sift 3 cups od salt oar anythink. it really doesn't matter. Sample t...

I won't have to go to the food shelf! Jeanette, my mother in law, (who rents the lower portion of our house), gave us $100.00 to help in the repair cost of my truck. THANK YOU.

Well friends, Many of you know John was laid off around Memorial Day, and thankfully, he is getting unemployment, which is a LIFESAVER.  He is in sort of a specialized field, which depends on the construction industry. (He is a finisher/industrial sprayer). He has been officially called back to work around the 2-3rd week in September. Meanwhile, I've maxed out my line of credit with Wells Fargo (except for 300 bucks as a emergency cusion); my truck needs a repair that, THANK GOD my Uncle can take care of, instead of having to go the garage; every week when payday rolls around, I am hoping for an extra few bucks so John and I can go out on a date or do something, but usually wind up with JUST enough, to tide us over until next payday. The Minnesota State Fair is starting and I'd give anything to go, I want a pronto pup, some cheese curds, some mini doughnuts, maybe some other crap food on a stick. No funds for it this year.  Because I have Crohn's disease, I have t...

I decided to re-instate Land of Osbourne. I had this as a blog a few years ago and dropped it. I've found...oddly enough that I missed it. So...this is my first post of a brand new blog. Welcome back readers of Land of Osbourne! -April